


Home For Christmas

by ninchannie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Idols, Childhood Friends, Christmas, First Love, Flirting, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Getting Back Together, Light Angst, Mentioned Top Surgery Scars, New Years, Nonbinary Character, Nostalgia, Other, Trans Character, gone very soon i promise, supportive parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:09:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27756679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninchannie/pseuds/ninchannie
Summary: Hyunjin's gaze falls to the neighbouring house, so many memories having been made there.They look at the windows and wonder if the inside still looks the same, if the Kim’s are still the same. If-The front door opens, and someone steps out, leisurely leaning against the frame. He’s looking right over, right at Hyunjin. Hyunjin looks back and hot tears shoot into their eyes.OrHyunjin comes home for Christmas break for the first time in years. While home, they run into Seungmin, their childhood best friend, and get reacquainted.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin
Comments: 36
Kudos: 132
Collections: Hyunfest 2020





	Home For Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> This is my work for prompt 87 of Hyunfest:
> 
> "Character a, a famous idol, comes home for the first time in a long time for christmas break. While home they run into their old love (or old friend) and get reacquainted."
> 
> Extended warnings:  
> Hyunjin is nonbinary and goes by they/them pronouns. Seungmin goes by he/him. 
> 
> The sex in this is explicit (hence the rating) and between two not-cis characters, so if that makes you feel weird this one is not for you, and also maybe you should overthink some things. 
> 
> The word "clit" will be used a few times and the characters are both willing and giving enthusiastic consent to what they're doing in the way they're doing it. 
> 
> No trans* experience is the same, so what Hyunjin and Seungmin are comfortable with in this fic might not be what every trans* person wants and that is very valid, but doesn't make the existence of desire like theirs impossible. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this and if you don't have anything nice to say, please keep it to yourself. Trans* characters are a safe place for many of us and I want this fic to be a positive one.
> 
> Now, sorry for the long a/n and please enjoy!

Seoul is a bustle, it doesn’t matter if it’s during the first wisps of spring, in the sickening heat of summer or in the sweater-weather during autumn. It’s always filled with people, always alight and awake, but it’s never quite as bustling as during _that_ time of the year. When everything twinkles even more magically, and everyone is suddenly festively attuned.

Or at least that’s how it used to be for Hyunjin. All those years ago when they first laid wide eyes on Christmas lights galore and winter decorations _everywhere_. They remember going to Lotte World years after that – a childhood dream coming true – with a few other trainees that they now forgot the names of. It was an even bigger dream back then, to one day perform in that same space and be able to spend as much as they want in the gift shops.

Hyunjin did all of that and more. Spent a fair share of money there for reality shows alone. Performed at Lotte on so many occasions they couldn’t recount them all if forced to, memories forsaken to the stressful back and forth that became their daily life.

They don’t want to sound ungrateful – god knows their group had to endure enough lectures of the management telling them just how thankful they can be for what they have – but after over a year of last seeing their family, of only being in shared rooms of the dorm or hotels during tours, Hyunjin feels like they need a break to pull themselves together again.

Grateful. That’s what they want to be. They are for the most part, incredibly so for their fans that always accepted them and are there for Hyunjin and the group, always giving their all. Hyunjin is grateful for the other members too, even if they sometimes want to rip their heads off. They know it’s no different the other way around.

They’re also grateful for the stress, in a weird, completely fucked up way they want to fall to their knees and thank the demons of constant schedules for making them who they are. They’re so much stronger than they ever thought they could be, so different than anyone expected. Hyunjin is thankful for it, as much as they sometimes wish they could just rest. Spend days in bed without showering, without needing to think.

They don’t remember the last time they were able to go out without being recognized, without staff or security by their side. It makes something bitter come up inside of them, that other side of the stardom. The one without glamour and instead peppered with anxiety and worries. But they have a therapist now, thanks to a companywide rule after Jisung collapsed backstage and a sasaeng managed to get a video of it.

And that’s the most fucked up part of it all. Jisung and so many others suffered anxiety and every single attempt of them speaking to management to get help hit a dead end. But as soon as word gets out, when their precious _image_ is in danger, then suddenly stones are turned over and over until there’s a solution.

It brought them therapy sessions, so Hyunjin should also be thankful for that. They should be. They have therapy and they have fans, despite what thousands of people told them.

Hyunjin should be grateful and happy, but alas they feel neither of both. Just a whole lot of guilt and an empty shell where their personality once sat.

It’s not a far drive out of Gangnam and towards places with less towering buildings. They’re still tall, because they mostly are in Seoul, but they’re less suffocating still. With that, streets become at least one lane skinnier and sidewalks slightly less busy.

The trees sometimes planted at the sides of the roads still look dead in the midst of winter, but the _natural_ kind of dead, not the contaminated by fumes kind of dead. There are some strings of glittering lights in these branches too, some windows lit up with stars and snowflakes.

It’s the same city, but the closer Hyunjin gets to their parents’ house, their own childhood home, the less it feels like something is compressing their chest. They know they need the break, know they needed it for the better half of the past year, but it finally coming true shows them just how desperately their body and mind have been begging for it.

Hyunjin last saw their parents during Chuseok of the year before. Christmas was spent at the dorms and on stage, promoting their solo winter album. New Year’s… god, Hyunjin has to think way too long about how they spent New Year’s Eve. It was with their fellow members, in a cottage somewhere in Switzerland, where they filmed for a reality.

Hyunjin could’ve had time to visit in March for their birthday, especially given how _close_ they live to their family, so lucky in that regard in comparison to some idols. They see Felix struggle with the distance and yet they don’t learn from it, don’t give themselves the opportunity to see those they miss most. That make them feel most loved.

The better part of summer was spent touring and then suddenly they were back in Seoul and ushered into studios and on variety shows. Now it’s Christmas and they’re finally going home. They’re going home for Christmas.

That old Christmas song sneaks into their head and they know it won’t leave them for a while.

_I’m driving home for Christmas_

_Get my feet on holy ground_

That’s truly what it feels like and Hyunjin is certainly not a very religious person. But they’re going home for Christmas, got everything pre-recorded for two whole weeks, isn’t that crazy.

_Home_ is a concept so strange to Hyunjin, because they used to think it was a place.

When they got casted at fifteen and asked to move into the dorms, home was Hyunjin’s parents’ house still. Because while the company staff tried their best to respect Hyunjin, they sometimes slipped up. A nonbinary idol was unheard of, was a try at gaining a whole new interest group of fans at first.

But their family was always accepting of Hyunjin. When they first told their parents at eight years old, that they’re not a boy, they bought them dresses and skirts to wear at home, called them she and Hyuni at their request.

When at twelve the realization hit that Hyunjin isn’t a girl either, they helped them with all they could to make sense of it. They watched dozens of documentaries with Hyunjin, hundreds of YouTube videos, read thousands of blog entries and articles until _trans_ turned to _nonbinary_.

It wasn’t as easy at school, of course not, but Hyunjin managed to separate that world of male pronouns and people laughing at them in the hallways from the one at home, where a safe haven of love and acceptance awaited them.

And then the Kim’s moved next door and Hyunjin’s mom went to the same yoga class as Mrs. Kim, their father bonding with Mr. Kim over their shared hobby of gardening. It was only logical for their children to get close too, being in the same age group and having similar interests.

Hyunjin and Seungmin didn’t just become _close_ , they became family for each other outside of the bonds of blood and for the first time Hyunjin realized that home might not be where their parents were, but where Seungmin was too.

Years later they’ll realize that the dorms can be home too, not always, but often enough with their members, their best friends by their side. Despite the differences. Despite them not understanding nearly as much as Seungmin did.

Hyunjin remembers auditioning in the heat of summer and despite feeling itchy and sweaty and having a bad day, Seungmin went with them. He waited outside the whole time and he paid for Baskin Robbins afterwards.

They stole bites off of each other and under the safe shade of a tree by a less frequented area at Han river Seungmin pulled Hyunjin onto his lap and kissed the life out of them with trembling, inexperienced lips.

It was Hyunjin’s phone vibrating in their pocket that drove them apart, Hyunjin standing up with a hammering heart and clammy hands feeling all kinds of shaken because they just experienced their first kiss and with _Seungmin_ of all people. The closest friend they’ve ever known, and their stomach felt _weird_ because of it. In the best way.

They accepted the call from their father feeling trembly and excited for that reason. The news that the agency called their father, that they _want_ Hyunjin, left them on even wobblier legs. Seungmin jumped around with them afterwards, excited and happy for what’s to come.

Hyunjin really gave all of that up.

They should’ve kept contact, should’ve cared more about Seungmin at that time. He was changing and developing in his own ways, positively terrified, yet Hyunjin only looked at their own future. At their own change in schedule with dance and vocal lessons next to normal classes.

Then they moved into the dorms and weren’t allowed to own a phone. They could’ve kept contact despite that, easily. There were public PCs to use at the company, or Hyunjin could’ve at least sent Seungmin messages through their parents.

Scrap that, they _should’ve_ kept contact. At least when they were finally allowed to own a phone again. When their parents began actively nagging Hyunjin to at least send Seungmin some merch, a signed album. Hyunjin never did. They had no reason not to, yet they didn’t.

A sour taste comes up the back of their throat at the thought and they quickly shake it away by taking a swig of their americano, changing the song to something jollier, more upbeat to stop them from overthinking.

Before soon, Hyunjin recognizes buildings they used to walk past on their way to school as a child. Stores they went to with their parents and restaurants they ordered from.

There’s also the opposite of that. A shop for what appears to be children’s toys where the small bookstore used to be, that was owned by that cute old lady. A fusion cuisine place where the rundown family mart once was. They sold the best fried chicken.

It’s a bittersweet feeling to be back after this long and Hyunjin steels themself for the sight of their childhood home when the car turns the last curve towards it.

Hyunjin takes a deep breath and looks out of the tinted window to take it in and it’s-

It’s relieving. Tension leaves their shoulders and their chest feels a bit lighter. It’s still the same house they grew up in, the same fencing around the small garden. The tree inside might have gotten a little taller, but not a lot. Hyunjin’s father must still be caring well for it.

The car comes to a halt right at the curb and Hyunjin grabs all of their belongings from the backseat, slinging their bag around their shoulder. The car door slides open with a beep and almost comically so, the front door of their parents’ house does too, revealing their father stepping out in the same sandals he always wears, despite the winter cold.

He’s greyer around the temples but his eyes are still the same, loving and glinting with life. Much to Hyunjin’s surprise he’s wearing a light-up, fuzzy knit sweater with an emerald green Christmas tree at the front. It blinks weakly, as if the batteries of the sweater are running low.

Hyunjin’s throat feels tight as they finally get out of the car, their father already talking to the driver and pressing a Tupperware box into his hands. It’s filled with homemade cookies, Hyunjin guesses, and it makes them smile. There’s sadness in them, and deep emotions, but most of all there’s love.

They thank the driver and wish him happy holidays, grabbing their backpack from the trunk while their father demands to carry their suitcase, despite his back problems. Hyunjin lets him but only under fond protest as they follow him up the path to the front door.

The car drives off behind them and it makes Hyunjin turn to look after it for a second. Their gaze falls to the neighbouring house automatically, so many memories having been made there too.

Hyunjin looks at the windows and wonders if the inside still looks the same, if the Kim’s are still the same. If-

The front door opens, and someone steps out, leisurely leaning against the frame. He’s looking right over, right at Hyunjin. Hyunjin looks back and hot tears shoot into their eyes.

Seungmin is there, so close. So _fucking_ close. It’s overwhelming how much it hurts Hyunjin to see him stand there so openly. He’s just _there_ , in the entry of the house where both of them spent a great part of their youth.

He looks different. And Hyunjin knows they do too.

“Come on, come on in before you catch a cold,” their father says from the open door, snapping Hyunjin back to reality. They don’t look at Seungmin again, just walk down the stone path and into the warmth of the house.

The door closes behind them and they’re embraced by two pairs of arms and Hyunjin is _home_. It’s just a part of the home they acquired over the years, but it’s the one they needed most.

-

Hyunjin knew it would come up at some point. Hell, they had the sneaking suspicion it would be way sooner than they could ever be prepared for, but they certainly didn’t expect it to be right on Christmas eve, just a few hours after they arrived.

They talked a lot with their parents first of course, because there’s only so much that can be spoken over the phone, and so much more to be said face to face. Hyunjin apologized too, on their knees next to the glimmering Christmas tree that their parents decorated. They apologized with tears in their eyes and promised to be better.

It was their mother that pulled them to their feet with a tut. “We’re not those fans of yours, or all those news sites. You’re our child but more than all you’re Hyunjin, your very own Hyunjin. Of course we’re sad to not see you often, but we’re always family. Always yours, do you understand? Don’t apologize for living your life.”

Her words were spoken in that maternal way that sounds harsh, despite the deeply aching love behind them all. Hyunjin felt themselves shrink a little, but their eyes dried and their throat felt less tense and with warm hands around their cold ones they felt a little better. Less broken and aimless already.

But now they’re here, filled with about a dozen cookies despite their pleas of _I have a diet to follow, mom_ and cutting out another batch of cookies, trays of angels and trees and stars already piling on the kitchen counter behind them.

And it’s with that Christmas joy inside that Hyunjin’s dad sits down at the counter, a hand on his aching back and brings back that feeling of purposelessness from before. That deep, unsettling feeling in their stomach.

“Bring some over to the Kim’s when you’re done,” he says. Not a question, not a suggestion. “They like mom’s Yakgwa a lot too, so take that as well.”

Hyunjin hopes their father can’t see how their fingers are shaking against the cookie cutter. “They’re not travelling this year?” They ask, remembering how the Kim’s used to spend the holidays in a different country each year. A few of them Hyunjin went along.

“They’re getting old too, Hyunjin. And travel is expensive these days.” Never before did Hyunjin hope more for their father to stray from the topic as he so often does, talking about the economy, or new laws that have been made. Anything but the topic he started out with, but this time he stays quiet and eyes his child with an intent gaze that doesn’t need words.

Gulping, Hyunjin places the last bell-shaped cookie on the baking tray and squishes the leftover dough up to roll out anew. “It’s Christmas eve, dad. I’m sure they want to be to themselves today.”

It’s their mom that snaps first, coming out of the pantry with arms full of edible décor. “Hwang Hyunjin,” she says sternly. “You stop being like this right now. You were such a polite child, what did that company make you into.”

There’s a mischievous smile on her face, showing that she’s joking and after an initial shock Hyunjin chimes right in with a fake gasp. “It’s all the fame. Am I not too famous to carry out such jobs as food delivery?”

Their father cackles from his place at the counter and Hyunjin’s mother rolls her eyes fondly. “They’ll welcome you warmly, Hyunjin. They always will.”

There’s a lot, a _lot_ more meaning behind those words than Hyunjin can even begin to comprehend. Because unlike them, their parents never stopped having contact with the Kim’s and as far as they have heard from their mom and dad, they kept steady contact with Seungmin too, unlike Hyunjin.

For a few minutes, there’s only the sound of diligent shuffling as Hyunjin and their mother carry on their baking duties and their father flips through a sports magazine, mumbling under his breath as he reads with his glasses deep down his nose.

Hyunjin looks at him in between freehandedly forming shapes out of the scraps of the cookie dough. They hope their… blobs (?) resemble stockings at least somewhat but they’re not too sure when their mother smiles as she takes the last tray over to the oven with red and white mittens.

When Hyunjin looks back to their father after that, they’re met with another intent gaze and a thoughtful hand underneath his chin.

“Seungmin came home from university a few days ago,” he says and cocks his head a little, as if to gauge Hyunjin’s reaction. He takes a long, long break and when he speaks up again his voice is quieter. “What happened between you two?”

Gulping down a wave of nerves, Hyunjin tries to think, to truly remember _what_ _happened_. They decide to go with the truth, feeling both of their parents’ eyes on them. “Nothing happened. There was nothing.” It’s the truth they believe in, because from their point of view, they really did nothing. Nothing to keep a deep friendship alive, to stay in contact with the best friend they ever had.

Their mother comes to Hyunjin’s side and pushes a bowl of molten chocolate into their hands. “Decorate,” she says decidedly and turns around to grab another bowl for herself, this one with normal frosting. “And don’t say such nonsense in this house. What you two had was never nothing.”

Hyunjin shakes a little and makes a mess of the baking sheet the cookies are laying on as they try to not let emotion wash over them again. Seeing Seungmin was a punch to the gut, talking about the past they had together, of what they _don’t_ have these days is a bit more of an emotional turmoil than they had in a long time.

Coming up next to Hyunjin, their father grabs some sprinkles and begins putting them on the still soft chocolate on the cookies. “You were so close. So… _strong_ together. I think even with you becoming an idol and Seungmin having his own problems, you two could’ve figured everything out.”

He’s not wrong. Hyunjin knows they could’ve and maybe that’s why it hurts so bad.

“We didn’t though,” they say with a small voice. “For whatever reason I just… pushed him away.”

All bickering and pushing aside, Hyunjin’s parents know when their child is sad, even after over a year of not seeing them. Their mother finishes glazing the last few cookies and takes the bowl of chocolate from Hyunjin’s hands, pushing it into her husband’s instead.

Then she grabs Hyunjin’s and pulls them so they’re looking down right at her. “You don’t do things without reason, even if it seems that way, Hyunjin,” she says and puts a hand on Hyunjin’s cheek. “And Seungmin had the chance too. It’s not just on you for letting your friendship go like that.”

Their father makes an affirming noise from the back, continuing to put chocolate on the rest of the cookies. “I think it’s not gone though,” he says. “Maybe you two can have a little talk and things will look different.”

Hyunjin doubts a _little_ talk is enough to fix everything Seungmin and they left off, but their father is right about it being a start. It’s certainly more than worth it. “Maybe…” They just say instead, but it’s enough for their parents.

The hand on their cheek travels higher as Hyunjin’s mother takes a closer look at their hair. “It’s good like this. You’re so pretty when it’s long,” she says and pushes the golden strand behind Hyunjin’s ear. “But if they dye it a crazy colour I’ll have to talk to your manager.”

Hyunjin blushes but can’t stop a smile from appearing on their face. “ _Mooom_ , you can’t do that.”

“I can and I will, believe me,” she answers before turning back to the cookies to help her husband out.

There’s no doubt about it, and Hyunjin _does_ believe her. They think she would steal the moon for them if they were to ask for it.

-

It’s completely dark out – cursed winter hours – when Hyunjin walks over the short distance to the Kim’s house, a big tin of cookies and a full Tupperware of Yakgwa in their arms. Hyunjin’s parents assured them that the Kim’s were now long done with dinner, as they apparently told them over their shared group chat.

Hyunjin is stuffed full themselves, with a Christmas dinner worthy for the gods, but the feeling ceases completely the closer they get to the neighbouring house. Their heart is beating hard enough to make the fabric of their winter coat vibrate and their breathing comes irregular in icy clouds.

The garden is just as wonderful as Hyunjin remembers when they walk through it and up to the house. Oh, the stone is still there too, where Seungmin busted his knee open and had to get stitches when he was thirteen. Hyunjin was allowed to ride the ambulance with him and they held Seungmin’s hand the whole way.

They’re right at the door when they decide they have to turn around and go back home. Hyunjin can’t do this.

But as fate so often does, it doesn’t give them the choice, because before Hyunjin can even move, the door swings open to reveal Mr. Kim, dressed in yellow corduroy pants and a brightly coloured, hand-knitted sweater.

“I saw you walk up,” he says with a wide smile and Hyunjin’s heart _clenches_. “Come on in, we can’t have you get sick now, can we?”

“Th-thank you,” Hyunjin breathes and lets himself get pulled inside of the cosy warmth of the place. Hyunjin hopes their skin is red from the cold, hiding the blush on their cheeks as they hold the baked goods out in front of them. “You know my parents, they wanted me to bring these over. There’s Yakgwa too.”

Hyunjin of course knew coming over for that meant being invited in, but when the words come, they still feel scary.

“Why don’t you stay for a bit? We have Christmas tea and some leftovers from dinner,” Mr. Kim says, still smiling and how could Hyunjin say no to that? They allow their coat to be taken off and watch him hang it on the overcrowded hanger by the door, just like how it used to be.

“I’m still full, but I would love a cup of tea,” Hyunjin answers politely once the boxes are taken from them and they bend down to open their shoes.

“Tea it is,” Mr. Kim says and already walks around the corner towards the living room. Hyunjin follows him shyly, feeling like a stranger in a house that’s so painfully familiar. “Seungmin will come down soon too.”

Hyunjin hopes the dread on their face is not too obvious when suddenly Mrs. Kim comes out of the kitchen, an empty cup already in her hands. She places it down on the coffee table, next to the tea kettle where it’s being held warm over a candle, before coming over and surprising Hyunjin with a hug.

“You’ve grown so much,” she says when she moves back out and Hyunjin could swear her eyes are a bit wet. She looks them up and down then, making them blush and forcing them to turn around once. “Look at you, so beautiful. I can’t believe we have you standing in our living room.”

Shyly, Hyunjin puts a hand over their face to hide their embarrassment and a humble reply is already building on their tongue, when their eyes register movement behind Mrs. Kim. It stops them like that, making them freeze as their eyes focus on the figure leaning against the railing of the stairs, just like he leant against the doorframe just a few hours earlier. Just as real.

Stammering for words for a few seconds, Hyunjin can do nothing but _look_. Stare at Seungmin in a way that shows pure shock, something close to horror. A whole turmoil of nervousness and conflict and so much missing and yearning coming down on them at once. _So fucking much_.

Seungmin is tall and slender, still sharp shoulders and defined lines like he always was, but they’re so much _sharper_. It’s like Hyunjin’s eyes are seeing in high definition for the first time, zooming in on miniscule details like knuckles, collar bones, soft brown hair that’s damp and sticks up here and there.

He’s wearing a simple black shirt and a pair of lose sweatpants, nothing close to the Christmassy overload of his family or Hyunjin and maybe that’s why he seems to stand out so much. He’s fucking _hot_. Hyunjin wishes they had different words, better words, a simple hello even, but instead Seungmin is just too handsome for them to form a single coherent sentence.

And then the guilt sets in and Hyunjin wants to fall to their knees again, like they did in front of their parents, but they know they can’t very well do that here. They doubt Seungmin would even want that, when he simply smiles like he’s meeting Hyunjin for the third time that week and comes over, down the two steps into the living room to stand next to his mother.

“Holy shit, you’ve gotten so tall,” are his first words to Hyunjin and maybe that’s what takes away some of the tension in the room. Seungmin’s voice has gotten deep, still that melodical tone that he always had, but it comes out so differently now.

Seungmin’s father raises his brows at his son for cursing, but otherwise just looks happy that the two are reunited.

Mrs. Kim is looking between them happily too, wrapping an arm around her son’s middle and pulling him in tight. “I know you two have a lot of catching up to do, but we are curious too, so let’s have some tea and then we’ll leave you two alone.”

They all sit down in the living room, listening to soft Christmas tunes in the back. Hyunjin tries not to cringe when a few of their holiday song comes up, but thankfully Mr. Kim notices and quickly changes the song every time.

The conversation mostly revolves around Hyunjin’s busy life and how they deal with it, if the other members and the staff are treating them well. Mrs. Kim seems especially delighted to hear that Hyunjin truly loves his group mates and that it isn’t just all for the cameras. Hyunjin doesn’t lie about how hard it was in the beginning though, knowing that Seungmin and his parents wouldn’t spew about it to some news site.

Seungmin looks down at his fingers during that topic, fiddling with a loose thread of his sweatpants and it makes Hyunjin feel bad for talking so much about themselves, when the other probably couldn’t care less.

It’s confusing however, that at other points Seungmin’s eyes pierce into Hyunjin so intensely, they find themselves stumbling over their words and when they look back at the other, there’s a satisfied smile on his face.

Hyunjin just doesn’t quite know how to read Seungmin’s behaviour just yet.

They of course ask too, about Mr. and Mrs. Kim’s travels, about their jobs and just general small talk, Seungmin stays mostly quiet except for a few snarky comments or jokes on the side that earn him playfully warning looks from his parents. But they must notice that he’s not fully in the conversation, so with a meaningful gaze shared between them, Mr. Kim looks at his non-existent watch and clears his throat.

“Oh, would you look at the time, our show will start soon. The one we wanted to watch, right honey?” He asks, directed at his wife.

She seems confused for just a second before chiming right into the obvious derivation tactic. “Right, _that_ show. How about you two go upstairs? Have some privacy? I’m sure there’s a lot to talk about…”

Hyunjin doesn’t answer immediately and instead focuses on Seungmin, who seems almost… uncomfortable? Oh god, did Hyunjin make him feel bad by coming over?

They’re just about to say that they probably should get going, when Seungmin stands up and reaches for his cup on the table. “Let’s grab some snacks from the kitchen,” he says, not really giving Hyunjin a choice to flee the situation. They’re glad if they’re being completely honest.

They put together a mixture of cookies, both from Hyunjin’s as well as Seungmin’s family and make their way upstairs silently. It’s just a short walk there, but Hyunjin’s mind is running with worries about what’s to happen. Will they be able to talk? Will they even enjoy each other’s company again? Will they click like they used to so naturally?

Their thoughts come to a screeching halt when Seungmin open’s his door and they both step inside. It’s just like it used to be. Hyunjin’s chest aches the more they look, the more they recognize. Seungmin’s plushies on the shelf over the bed, the stickers all over his desk.

On second glance there are so many things Hyunjin _doesn’t_ recognize and maybe that’s what hurts more. They were last here when Seungmin was fifteen, still years away from moving out. Years of growing into himself. It’s more teen room than kids room now, some furniture switched out, posters changed from early 2000s groups to ones from the late 2010s. Hyunjin knows a lot of the people on those posters personally now, would call them acquaintances even.

Seungmin closing the door behind them with a click is what startles them out of their frozen state and with a blush they turn towards him, too shy to make eye contact but too awkward to blatantly stare at his room any longer.

“You let your hair grow out again,” Seungmin says, breaking the silence. Hyunjin looks up, surprised at the random topic but nods. There’s a strand hanging in their peripheral vision and they coyly push it behind their ear. Seungmin’s eyes widen for a second before his expression turns back to normal. “I saw they cut it when you debuted.”

Hyunjin feels a shudder run down their spine just remembering that time. They were so proud of their hair, but for finally being able to debut they let it be cut off without much protest.

“I finally managed to convince them earlier this year,” Hyunjin explains. “Feels good. Better.”

They don’t have to explain why, not with Seungmin. They never had to and it’s no different even after years of no contact. The other nods and pulls a worn beanbag out of a corner of the room – that Hyunjin remembers to have lounged on dozens of times – and pats it for them to sit on, before making himself comfortable on his bed, legs crossed underneath him and facing Hyunjin. There used to be a Shinee cover on the blanket, sometimes a 2NE1 one. Now it’s plain white.

“You look happier too. On the photos and stuff.” Seungmin’s voice is completely honest and Hyunjin feels a weird sense of happiness, maybe pride, wash over them. They really feel their most authentic now and they’re glad it’s seen. But then it hits that Seungmin _has_ seen that, and they feel heat rise in their cheeks.

“You kept up with me?” They ask shocked.

Seungmin chuckles and grabs a cookie before answering. “Not just with you, I really enjoy your group as a whole. You’re just a pleasant part of the package.” He takes a break to munch on the cookie. “I don’t have all your albums or anything.”

Hyunjin nearly chokes on their spit, exploding into giggles. “You do? I feel bad for not having sent you any.” It hits them again then, the fears that accompanied them all day. “I should have.”

This is what it’s coming down to, this part of the talk Hyunjin know they need to have. They didn’t want it to happen so soon, not when they’re just getting used to existing in the same room as Seungmin again. Worries build up, higher and higher but when they finally bring up the courage to look at the other, he looks… calm? A bit sad but not angry or disappointed? Hyunjin is confused.

“I should have put an effort in to get back in touch with you too,” he says and looks away awkwardly. “I got into your second… or was it the third… Whatever, I got into a fansign and I went to the venue but when I was there, I couldn’t bring myself to go in. I couldn’t do it.”

It catches Hyunjin off-guard. All these years they were wondering why they never reached out, why they never used the opportunities when they arose. Knowing Seungmin wasn’t just left hanging, but instead did the same feels both like an acknowledgement of Hyunjin’s own feelings and a puzzle piece to even further confuse them about why they lost touch in the first place.

“Why did we…” They begin, trying to put it into words. “Why were we like that? We could have made it work, I see it every day with my members and their friends, why didn’t we manage to do that?”

They don’t expect Seungmin to have an answer. Hell, Hyunjin doubts there is an answer. Well, until Seungmin speaks up and gives them one.

“Maybe because it wasn’t just about being childhood friends. Not towards the end.” Seungmin stops, seeming almost conflicted if he should continue. “Fuck, I was in love with you,” he says after a bit, and his voice shakes around the syllables. “Remember that day you got the call that you got accepted? Jinnie, you broke my heart that day.”

Tears spring to Hyunjin’s eyes and it hurts, right in their chest where their heart sits. Right where they so often feel empty after yet another comeback stage. It’s so full now, filled to the brim with sorrow and aching and a realization that should’ve come years prior.

Of course Seungmin was in love with them. Of course they were in love with Seungmin too. It’s all too obvious now.

But surprisingly it’s not that what they reply to, not because they want to be cruel to Seungmin, because Hyunjin is sure he knows. Seungmin has always been the smarter one of them.

No, they focus on something else. “I haven’t heard that nickname in ages,” they say, and their voice is choked up and thick with layers of repressed feelings bubbling up.

Seungmin’s eyes widen and he opens and closes his mouth for a few times. “It just- it just came out.”

Hyunjin shakes their head, showing Seungmin that they’re not angry about it. “Old habits die hard, huh?” They reply with a giggle.

Seungmin falls into it with them, just shortly, but it’s a pretty sound lighting up the room. “Fuck, I missed you,” he says afterwards and Hyunjin’s heart does a weird leap.

“You swear a lot these days,” they reply with a grin. “I missed you too. So fucking much.”

After that, talking comes easier, not necessarily _easy_ , but it’s less effort to make it work. More growing into a new sense of understanding and speaking with another. This time Hyunjin lets Seungmin do the talking since they said so much down in the living room already.

They learn that Seungmin didn’t do a lot differently after Hyunjin left. He still went to the same school, still got along with the older students and once he turned into one of them, he got along with the younger ones. He graduated at the top of his class, played baseball until it got too stressful and overall acts like not a lot happened.

It’s like a weird emotional whiplash because while _everything_ happened to Hyunjin all at once when they became a trainee, Seungmin’s life seemed to stay the same. It’s of course one giant lie, because just by a single gaze Hyunjin can see how much the other _changed_ , can hear it in every single word.

Seungmin’s voice breaks now when it goes too high, there’s stubble on his face and where he used to hunch forward when sitting down, he now has a straight back and wide shoulders. The Seungmin Hyunjin knew would have _never_ worn a tight black shirt without a jacket over it and he wouldn’t have had a pink phone case with a puppy on it either.

On the other hand, all these things aren’t really a concern to Hyunjin, because Seungmin seems happy and a lot more confident than he did when he was fifteen. Hyunjin wishes they would’ve been there along the ride to see that side of the other unfold, but now sitting across from him, they don’t want to ask for how it happened. It doesn’t matter anyway, as long as both of them are _there_ now.

At some point, Hyunjin somehow migrates to the bed as well and they both lay on their backs, staring up at the neon stars still stuck to the ceiling in the otherwise dark room, only ignited by the dim lights streaming in from the outside.

Hyunjin stuck a few of those stars there themselves, they remember nearly falling off the chair the two of them used… twice. Seungmin used to tell Hyunjin about solar systems and the universe and make up stories of distant worlds while the other just listened for hours upon hours. They doubt it would be any different now.

The bed feels smaller than it used to, or well, they both got bigger. Hyunjin was always taller but they still sprouted some more and Seungmin grew a _lot_. Broader shoulders, broader thighs, they somehow fill the mattress out differently, nearly mending them together at the sides, but it isn’t weird, not awkward to be so close to someone that might as well have turned into a stranger over the years.

It doesn’t feel like that either and it makes Hyunjin think that maybe there’s something wrong with them for just trusting each other this deeply after everything that happened. But maybe that’s also how it’s supposed to be if two people just _click_.

The stars are getting dimmer by the second and Hyunjin feels their eyes drop along with them. They should probably go home, especially since their parents will have to open the door for them and they don’t want to keep them up for longer than necessary.

It’s Christmas too, family time, and they’re spending a good part of the evening in silence next to their childhood best friend. A comfortable, healing silence. Hyunjin kind of doesn’t want to leave, even though they know they should.

Seungmin seems to have similar thoughts, because he breaks the silence with a low voice. “I don’t think we should stop talking after today,” he says and it’s a clear statement. It makes Hyunjin’s tummy tingle in a funny way.

“I’m visiting my parents for nearly two weeks. I think we have a lot more time to talk.” Hyunjin’s voice is doing nothing to hide the way their heart is beating up into their chest.

“I’m glad you think so too.” Seungmin turns then and grabs his phone from the nightstand to check the time. Hyunjin doesn’t look at him, keeps their eyes steady on the ceiling stars. “It’s nearly midnight.”

Hyunjin swallows, wonders how all that time passed so quickly. “I should get going… for today,” they say and hate how sad they sound.

With a groan, Seungmin bends further and fumbles for the switch of his bedside lamp. Hyunjin closes their eyes in preparation but the light still seeps aggressively through their closed lids. When they blink them open and turn to the side, the first thing they see is Seungmin, hair mussed up and looking right back, haloed by the light.

He’s so close too and it feels like Hyunjin sees him for the first time. They both look at each other for a bit, until Seungmin shakes himself outfit, his brows furrowed. He quickly covers it up by standing up and Hyunjin follows suit, pink cheeks and ears.

“Can I come over? Tomorrow?” Seungmin asks when they’re both standing and facing each other. His voice is this completely open, earnest thing, like he’s wearing his heart on his sleeve but has no fears of it getting hurt.

Hyunjin can’t help but smile. “I’d love that.”

It happens again, like in the bed, like down in the living room before Seungmin first talked to Hyunjin that day. But this time they’re not shaken by a waterfall of emotions, by parents right next to them or by Seungmin shaking himself out of it.

This time they both allow themselves to gravitate where their bodies want them to go. To lean forward and greet each other with open arms.

Hyunjin remembers Seungmin didn’t like hugs very much. He always curled his back to get his chest as far away from the other person as possible. But this Seungmin they’re reacquainting themselves with instead pulls Hyunjin in as tight as he can, until there’s no space left between them.

They hug back just as tight, arms around Seungmin’s torso and head hooked over his shoulder. It hurts, not necessarily physically but deep inside. It aches in the way it does when you finally let something bad go, even if that leads into an uncertain future. It’s the beginning of something good.

Wetness collects in Hyunjin’s eyes and they press their face into Seungmin’s shoulder, deep into the fabric of his shirt. It’s not a hug two people that haven’t seen each other in so long should share, but it feels right.

Hyunjin breathes in deep, tries to differentiate Seungmin’s scent from Chan’s, from Jisung’s, from Felix’. From the people they’d usually hug this tight. They store it away safely in a vulnerable corner of their soul and breathe out as Seungmin tightens his arms around them.

“I’m so happy,” he whispers against Hyunjin’s neck, nearly too quiet to hear. Maybe that was Seungmin’s goal all along, but the other picks it up anyway.

“I am too,” they reply, a little louder but not too stark to break the fragile air around them. “I missed you so much.”

-

In the morning, Hyunjin drinks three cups of coffee, sings a dozen of horrible Christmas songs with their family and nearly cries when they’re handed their present. It’s a self-made scrapbook of memories, filled with pictures and childhood drawings, shells from beaches in Jeju and curls of hair they cut off over the years.

It’s filled with so much that Hyunjin forgot about over the years, so much they ceased to remember when stress took over their life. Only on their second day back with their parents they feel how much that hollow feeling inside of them is shrinking, filled up instead with love and warmth.

Of course, Seungmin has a great part in the scrapbook too and Hyunjin’s parents smile knowingly when their child tells them about the evening before, about how _good_ it was to reconnect with the other. The Kim’s must’ve texted them over their strange group chat again, or maybe they just felt it in Hyunjin’s behaviour when they came back at midnight.

Their father opened the door to them with a wine glass in his hand and they poured one for Hyunjin too, before sitting down in the living room where Hyunjin’s mother was skipping through the channels of the TV.

They didn’t ask Hyunjin what took them so long, or even if Seungmin’s family enjoyed the baked goods. They just sat and exchanged small anecdotes here and there, sipping on bitter wine and watching reruns of a Christmas movie in the background. It only deepened that feeling of finally closing a chapter that was left open and Hyunjin went to bed happily about an hour later.

Now, with the nostalgic book in their lap, there’s something else flowering in their chest too, delicate and scary, scraping right through their skin. It’s similar to the nervousness Hyunjin felt during their first evaluation. The same one they experienced dozens of times throughout their career, only that now it’s more… emotional.

Being on live television for the first time, travelling around the world for concerts, those things were exciting and new, scary and overwhelming at points, but they were _work_. As much as it had been their dream for as long as Hyunjin can remember – pictures of them performing in eccentric costumes in elementary school posing proof of that – it became their job and means of living, long exceeding sole passion.

But whatever is taking fruit in their chest now, so vulnerable and long forgotten, this is real and emotional. With no sense of duty behind it and Hyunjin is willing to embrace it if Seungmin will let him. Because there’s no doubt it’s because of something else but him.

Hyunjin has never been the best at interpreting their feelings… or maybe that’s not all that correct. They’ve never really _allowed_ themselves to just be and love freely. It happened before, maybe twice at best, and the first time Seungmin was at the other end of it, kissing them under a tree by the river.

Maybe it’s not realistic for their awakening feelings to go anywhere, but maybe that doesn’t matter. Hyunjin thinks that even if they only get two weeks’ worth of Seungmin – hell just one more meeting if that’s what he’d want – it will be enough.

They flick through the scrapbook for a long time, even when their parents begin giving small presents to each other and when they went through it twice already. Hyunjin hopes they’ll be able to keep it hidden for themselves once they get back to the dorms. Not because he doesn’t trust their members with their personal life, but because this simply is for _them_. To remember what they’re made of and where they came from.

When they finally close it and get out the presents they brought for their parents, they feel a bit ashamed to not have something equally personal, but of course, Hyunjin’s parents react like they just gifted them the world.

For their mother, Hyunjin bought an expensive perfume that they got for themselves a few months earlier. The bottle alone would make for pretty décor and it smells wonderfully fresh, with small hints of sweetness. Hyunjin feels giddy when they think about matching their mother when they’re apart, even if it’s something miniscule as perfume.

When their father opens the box of his present, he clutches a hand over his chest and shakes his head. “You can’t do this, it’s too much,” he says and places the gift down on the table, turning to Hyunjin. Their mother takes a look and gasps.

“You found it? Oh, Hyunjin,” she whispers equally emotional.

Ever since Hyunjin was little their father collected vintage pocket watches and he’d often show Hyunjin which ones he especially liked and which he was looking for in antique shops or for reselling online. There was one in particular, with an insignia of a vase filled with sunflowers, that he kept looking for but never found for a reasonable price.

Hyunjin didn’t share his hobby, but they engrained that watch into their memory, set on one day buying it for their father. It was on their second Europe tour, in a small village close to Paris, when Hyunjin found it by pure chance in a tiny little shop.

It was quite the task to buy it because the old vendor could barely speak a word of English and the only braincell of French they had with them was Felix, which wasn’t a lot French at all. But somehow, they got it and it seems to be more than worth it from how happy – and in denial – their father looks.

“Don’t say things like I shouldn’t have gotten it, or I shouldn’t spend money on you,” Hyunjin says before either of their parents can begin to protest. “I can and will buy you things. This is so little in comparison to what you both have done for me all my life.”

Their mother shakes her head and pulls them into her arms. “You’re our child. Of course we will be there for you. Forever.”

Hyunjin’s eyes begin to water when their father hugs them from the other side. “Now, don’t cry, I heard Seungmin will come over in a few hours and we don’t want you to look puffy, do we?”

“H-how do you…?” Hyunjin asks confused before remembering the amounts of communication going on between them and Seungmin’s parents. “And you two used to tell me to spend less time on my phone, I see where it has come to…”

Both of their parents laugh at Hyunjin’s joke before exchanging a knowing gaze. “Should we… do you want us to go out for a little?” Their mother asks, making Hyunjin blush when they realize what she must be hinting at. Are they really that obvious?

“I-I, _uh_ , no,” Hyunjin stammers. “We are just getting to know each other again, nothing more.”

Their father carefully closes the box of the watch and raises his eyebrows at Hyunjin. “Yet.”

The rest of the time left before Seungmin’s arrival passes achingly slow, with more teasing comments directed at Hyunjin and nothing they could even attempt to throw back at their parents. It only makes them more excited, if they’re being honest.

-

When Seungmin comes over he brings back the tin box and the Tupperware Hyunjin gave his family the day before, now filled with the Kim’s very own Christmas goods. Hyunjin’s parents talk shortly to him, mostly up to date as it seems as Hyunjin just stands to the side and… stares.

They really have to work on that newly found problem.

Seungmin just looks so _good_. He’s wearing skinny black jeans with rips that reveal fishnets underneath. In the midst of winter. _Fishnets and ripped jeans_. Fifteen-year-old Seungmin would have never in his life touched that and Hyunjin is ecstatic to see that he does now.

On top, he’s wearing a simple white sweater with a Santa hat on it. It clashes with the rest of the outfit in that typical Christmas way, and Seungmin seems to almost want to hide it by crossing his arms over his chest the whole time he’s talking to Hyunjin’s parents.

Once they’re done talking and Seungmin walks up next to Hyunjin with a surprisingly shy smile, the older can’t hold back a comment on it.

“Pretty sweater,” they say with a giggle. “You look incredibly happy with it.”

Seungmin swats his arms – which totally doesn’t make Hyunjin blush or anything – and rolls his eyes. “When is it socially acceptable for me to burn these hell-sweaters?” He asks jokingly as Hyunjin opens the door to their childhood bedroom.

“Come on, don’t be like that,” they say, still smiling as they step in, followed closely by Seungmin. “You look good.” They only realize that quite an important part of the sentence – namely the one relating to the Christmas sweater – is missing, when Seungmin closes the door behind himself and flops down on Hyunjin’s desk chair to face them.

“Yeah?” He says with a cocky grin and since when did he have this confidence? “You think I look good?”

Hyunjin feels their ears burn up as they stammer for a reply. “Y-yeah, I mean you apparently _know_ you do, but y-yes. You look very good.”

Seungmin’s smile doesn’t falter but Hyunjin swears there’s some pink on his cheeks too. “You look good too,” the younger replies before licking his lips which… that probably shouldn’t be hot, right? His lips where probably just dry. “You’re very pretty, Jinnie.”

There’s the nickname again. The sweetest thing Seungmin used to call him that continues to be a fucking joy to hear. Damn, Hyunjin feels like a mess.

“Th-thank you,” they stutter, sitting down at the edge of the bed so Seungmin won’t be able to see their legs shake.

Seungmin’s gaze turns more thoughtful then. “Do you still like that? When someone calls you pretty?”

It’s probably hilariously obvious in the way Hyunjin blushes. Seungmin _must_ know what he’s doing and how it’s affecting them. There’s no way he doesn’t. But Hyunjin kind of knows how to play that game too. Or well, they saw enough dramas to act it out well enough.

“I do,” they admit with a shy voice. “But I really like it when _you_ call me pretty.”

Seungmin seems almost taken aback for a second, obviously not having expected such obvious flirting from the other, but he doesn’t seem weirded out or appalled. Simply curious and intrigued by this… this _new_ thing between them.

“We’re really doing this, huh,” he mumbles under his breath and Hyunjin doesn’t quite know what to make of it. “I’ll call you pretty a lot then.”

Hyunjin’s breath hitches and they avert their gaze, looking down at their fingers in their lap. “You’re a lot more confident now,” they whisper, knowing Seungmin won’t be able to catch it. When they look back up, he has his head slightly cocked to the side, his brows raised. Hyunjin decides to change the topic. “Yesterday you told me you live in a dorm at uni… How is that?”

It takes a few seconds for Seungmin to catch on, his head seemingly still stuck on their shy flirting from before. “I, _uh_ , yeah. It’s okay… shared bathrooms are not ideal, but it’s working out so far. And I really get along with my roommate.”

Something weird pokes at Hyunjin’s heart. “Oh, that’s good,” they say, trying to sound nonchalant. “Are you two…”

Seungmin raises his brows amusedly. “Dating? Nah, he’s great and all, but not _that_ great.” A sigh of relief leaves Hyunjin which makes Seungmin chuckle. “How about you? I bet it’s hard with being famous and all that.”

Hyunjin barks out a laugh. “Yeah, it’s… it’s not as easy, but it’s doable,” they explain. “I’m not dating anyone though.”

Humming, Seungmin seems to ponder for a few seconds before finding the courage to speak up. “Did you have a partner at some point? Tell me off if I’m being too direct.”

“No, it’s okay,” Hyunjin assures quickly. “I dated someone from my team before we debuted, and then had a thing with another idol, but nothing really serious since a few years.”

“Wait, you dated someone from the group?” Seungmin asks suddenly, curiosity sparking in his eyes. “Who was it? Felix? Jisung?”

Hyunjin gapes at him. “Jisung? You really think I’d date Jisung? No offense, I love that little guy, but oh _boy_ that wouldn’t work out,” Hyunjin answers with a giggle. “I have to introduce you to them at some point, so you can see why it wouldn’t.”

“Y-you’d do that?” Seungmin’s voice is shocked. Hyunjin blushes a little deeper.

“O-of course, I mean I hope we can like… become closer again and then that’s just a logical step,” they explain. “They’re my best friends.”

Pain washes over Seungmin’s face for a split second but it disappears as quickly as it came. “That would be great,” he says honestly. “Now tell me though, who was it?”

Hyunjin looks down at their fingers again. “M-maybe it was Chan…” They reply sheepishly.

Seungmin all but gasps. “ _Really?_ Chan? Holy shit, I would’ve taken him for the most het guy _ever_.”

At that, Hyunjin can’t hold back another laugh. “He’s actually very open but I totally get where that vibe comes from,” they explain. “Never tell him that to his face though.”

“I promise I won’t,” Seungmin says, grinning. He turns around in the desk chair, maybe to pass time, maybe to not sit in complete silence. His eyes fall on something on the desk and he stops mid-turn. “Oh my god, your Wii is still here. You think it can still run Wii Sports?”

Excitedly, they both find out that it indeed does, and the rest of the day is spent eating Christmas cookies and playing virtual sports.

-

Hyunjin and Seungmin don’t see each other for two days after that and it’s weird. It feels like they’ve gone from talking for months with no end in sight to just being apart again, which simply isn’t true, but Hyunjin’s heart apparently likes to make them hurt whenever it can.

Thankfully, Seungmin seems to be in a similar position, because after exchanging numbers, he messaged Hyunjin constantly with pictures from his trip. He’s travelled to the mountains a few hours away with some friends, for a two-day skiing trip.

Hyunjin remembers blushing when Seungmin offered them to come along, assuring that his friends would welcome them with open arms. But first off, Hyunjin can’t just go on a trip without at least some security by their side and secondly skiing is a little too dangerous to do for them without managers there to make sure to meticulously keep them safe.

Still, every picture of Seungmin stuffed in thick clothes with skis strapped to his feet, of pretty mountains and the cosy cottage he’s staying at, fill Hyunjin with a warmth that soothes the missing somewhat. It makes them only happier to have Seungmin back.

They spend a lot of time with their parents to re-bond with them too. It hasn’t been as long as with Seungmin, but there’s still a year erased between Hyunjin and their parents, and they’ll use all the time the can to make up for it.

Even so, two days of sitting on one another in festive cheeriness seems to be enough for them to need a break, because as soon as they hear from the Kim’s that Seungmin is back, they basically kick Hyunjin out of the door (of course with more cookies to share) to “go play”. They used to say the same thing when Hyunjin and Seungmin were children and it’s weirdly nostalgic to hear again.

Just like the first time, Seungmin’s parents greet Hyunjin with open arms and accept the baked good with similar humility than the first time, just that they immediately direct Hyunjin up the stairs to go see Seungmin.

Hyunjin’s heart beats embarrassingly fast as they walk up the stairs and knock on the door, waiting for the small _come in_ from Seungmin before opening it. In the moment Hyunjin steps in, their heart promptly decides to do the complete opposite by apparently skipping a beat at the sight of the other.

Seungmin is sitting on his desk chair with spread legs, playing with a stress ball in his hand and turning around as soon as he hears the door click shut. He’s a lot more tan that before his ski trip, his skin golden and soft looking and Hyunjin feels like they should call their agency right now, Seungmin basically _made_ to be seen and admired.

They don’t say it out loud, thank god they don’t because that could have gotten embarrassing.

“Hey pretty,” Seungmin greets with an evil glint in his eyes and a wide smile, pulling through on his promise of calling Hyunjin pretty more often. Trying to hide their obvious flustered state, Hyunjin shakes their head with a grin and plops down on Seungmin’s bed, feigning confidence.

“Hey handsome,” they counter, sticking out their tongue but Seungmin doesn’t even blush, nods and twists the ball in his hands a few times.

They talk about the things they didn’t tell each other over text the few days in which they haven’t seen another, Seungmin adding more and more funny stories and anecdotes from his ski trip and Hyunjin telling him how some of his family members are doing, that Seungmin knows from their childhood.

At some point, Seungmin stops playing with the stress ball and instead throws it to Hyunjin who catches it despite their surprise before throwing it right back. It adds a fun rhythm to their talking, not really much a game, but more just something to do other than _look_.

Much to Hyunjin’s surprise (and pleasure) they find that Seungmin looks at them too, with that same wide-eyed awe, that same open admiration that Hyunjin probably stares him down with every time they’re with the other.

It’s quite obvious, how both of them are doing nothing to hide those gazes, to stop teasing words and shy bashing of lashes. Hyunjin knows they look good, knows how to smile and lean and pose to make someone fall for them when they’re on TV, but the tricks also apply in real life and seem to work just as well on Seungmin.

But the other has few tricks up his sleeve too, manspreading but in that _good_ way that makes Hyunjin look away shyly when their eyes stray down, Seungmin’s free hand on his inner thigh as the other catches and throws the squishy ball easily.

Every time Hyunjin’s eyes snap up from drinking in the sight of Seungmin’s long legs and pretty hands, Seungmin quirks a brow, smirks and eyes them up and down too. It’s a two-way street, constant giving and taking that they’re both very aware of.

They’re flirting. Yeah, they’re flirting unashamedly. Hyunjin is flirting with their childhood friend who’s doing just the same and it’s… good. It feels right. And that’s really all that matters.

Not once does their rhythm of exchanging the ball falter over the course of their conversation, despite watching and smirking, risen brows and bitten lips. It just somehow works in their chit-chatty smalltalk, until Seungmin decides to change that.

It must be a decision, because he doesn’t look one bit surprised when Hyunjin drops the ball.

“I want to give you something for Christmas,” is what he says to catch them off-guard. “Let’s go shopping together and I buy you whatever you want.”

The ball falls to the floor and bounces around a few times, comes to rest against the bottom of Seungmin’s desk from where he picks it up, returning to the same rhythm as before. Hyunjin steels themselves and catches.

“I, _wow_ , you don’t have to do that,” they say, voice slightly shaky.

Seungmin grins satisfied. “I know, but I want to.”

Taking a trembling breath, Hyunjin nods as they think of what to say. They pass the ball between each other twice.

“O-okay, you can,” they eventually say and Seungmin nearly begins to celebrate when Hyunjin stops him. “But I can’t just go out to the mall and go shopping. I can’t do it that easily.”

Seungmin’s face falls. “Fuck, I didn’t think of that,” he says and groans, keeping the ball for himself for a few seconds. “We could shop online, we’re in the digital age, we can do that.”

Hyunjin giggles. “We can, but shouldn’t Christmas presents be a surprise?”

“You want me to surprise you?” Seungmin asks slightly baffled. Maybe he wanted to make sure he gets Hyunjin something they totally _want_ , but Hyunjin doubts there’s anything like that. They can get all of the fashion and accessories they want from the stylists already.

“I’d like that,” they say, throwing the ball back with a slight curve. Seungmin still catches.

“Okay, I’ll surprise you,” he promises and with the next throw he stands up. “I’ll get something to drink for us, do you want hot chocolate too?”

“I should really not, I ate so much the last few days, the company won’t be happy if I gain weight.” Hyunjin admits shyly. They want hot chocolate, they really do, but dieting simply is part of their daily life at this point.

Seungmin shakes his head. “Fuck them,” he says as if it’s that simple. “You’ll get double the marshmallows now.”

Before Hyunjin can protest, Seungmin is out of the room and thundering down the stairs loud enough to be heard even through the door. Hyunjin wants to dance, or to scream, they’re not really sure, they just know they feel a whole lot in this moment.

Their cheeks are hot, a constant state around Seungmin it seems, and when they bring their hands up to press against them, they feel almost icy. Hyunjin puts the stress ball on Seungmin’s nightstand and takes his pillow. They probably _shouldn’t_ but they doubt Seungmin would care.

Hyunjin yells into the pillow. Not too loudly, because it’s still just a pillow and they don’t want to be caught yelling in the Kim’s house, that would probably be a bit weird even for them. It’s just enough of a scream to get some of that _happiness_ out.

On top of that it’s Seungmin’s pillow and it smells warm and slightly woody, probably like whatever shampoo Seungmin uses and that thought does _bad_ things to Hyunjin’s brain they probably really shouldn’t think about.

They quickly smooth the pillow back down like it was before and stand up, bouncing on their feet a few times and shaking their shoulders out because their body is _thrumming_ for some weird reason, all because of Seungmin. It’s kind of really cute. Hyunjin hopes they can take some of that energy with them when they go back to the dorm in the new year.

Instead of doing even more questionable things, they decide to instead help Seungmin out with preparing their drinks and walk towards the door.

Unlike before, Seungmin must’ve gone up the stairs more quietly than when he trampled down, because in the exact moment Hyunjin opens the door, Seungmin attempts the same from the outside, his elbow on the handle and Hyunjin walks into him by accident.

Well, not really. They _bounce_ into him and in turn into two cups of hot chocolate that go spilling all over the front of Seungmin’s shirt.

“Oh shit,” he curses and does the breathy thing when some really hot water hits you in the shower. He zooms past Hyunjin and places the cups down on his desk, grabbing a few paper towels from a box by his bed and wipes at his shirt.

The whole time Hyunjin apologizes profusely, but Seungmin keeps waving him off, in the end even erupting in giggles when he places some tissues underneath the cups so they can at least drink what’s left of the hot chocolate.

“It’s okay, it didn’t hurt too bad,” he promises with a smile as he closes the door, fleetingly patting Hyunjin’s head as he walks by. It snaps them out of it and they sheepishly grab a tissue to clean the sides and handles of the cups.

“Still as clumsy,” Seungmin comments with a wink and they turn around at it, ready to throw something back like ‘ _still as mean_ ’ but they stop when Seungmin tuts and puts away the tissue he was using to rub his shirt clean and instead pulls it off over his head.

Hyunjin should really turn away. Right? That’s the reasonable thing to do when your friend pulls off his clothes in front of you.

They don’t turn away.

Instead they stare as Seungmin balls up the fabric and uses the shirt to clean the few drops off of the floor that landed there, before throwing it in the hamper. He seems to notice the stare directed at him and turns around with a questioning expression.

It gives Hyunjin a good look of his slim torso, small hips, small waist, how they always used to be. Seungmin is a little softer now, still skinny but his tummy looks incredibly inviting to lay your head on. And then there’s the part that really… _shocks_ Hyunjin. But not in a bad way.

Seungmin’s chest is flat and there are two scars running along each side of it. They’re a bit lighter than the rest of his skin, not bumpy or stretched at all and Hyunjin doubts anyone would even pay enough attention to notice them. Except that they were _staring_ and that they knew Seungmin with a _different_ chest. So this is a lot for them, as stupid as it sounds to their own ears.

“Your chest looks so good, what the fuck?” They say to voice their thoughts, finally looking up at Seungmin’s eyes instead of his body. He breaks out into a smile at it, his cheeks turning pink.

“Right, you wouldn’t know,” he says proudly. “I went to Bangkok, was a lot cheaper and safer than here. Still not the best experience but you know… best as it can be.”

Hyunjin nods, knowing quite well what Seungmin means. They look away, their heart pounding in their chest and their fingers twitching. “S-sorry for staring you down like this, that must’ve been weird.”

“It’s okay,” Seungmin replies immediately, opening the door of his closet and rummaging for a different shirt. “I’m proud of it, so I don’t mind at all.”

When he pulls another shirt on, Hyunjin feels strong enough to look back and not turn into a flustered puddle on the spot. “Do you remember when we were younger and used to dream about being able to swap?” They say, reminiscing of times of them laying at a beach on another holiday vacation. “You’d pluck yours off and I could attach them. Things were easier then.”

Their tone is nostalgic and Seungmin smiles when he remembers, but it quickly falters. “I remember, but I don’t think it was necessarily easier. I was definitely more unhappy then. A lot more.”

Hyunjin gulps and looks away. “Y-yeah, you’re right…”

Seungmin does his best to ignore the obvious mood swing and instead grabs his laptop from his desk. “Have you watched Home Alone yet?” he asks, opening Netflix.

Shaking their head, Hyunjin swallows down the weird tightness of guilt having settled in their throat and takes the two cups to Seungmin’s nightstand when they migrate to the bed. They lay down like the other day, Hyunjin on the inside against the wall and Seungmin closer to the edge, just propped on more pillows to be able to watch the movie.

Once they settle, Hyunjin’s thoughts turn more pleasant, distracted by the movie and Seungmin’s proximity, warmth blooming in their chest.

At some point, Seungmin turns his head and sniffs his pillow. “Did you rub yourself on my pillow or something?” He asks and Hyunjin’s eyes widen. “It smells like you, what the-“

“I might have yelled into it a little when you were gone earlier,” Hyunjin explains sheepishly. “You can wash it along with your shirt.”

Seungmin quickly shakes his head. “I like it,” he says and Hyunjin has to splay a hand over their face to hide their blush.

The movie keeps playing and they turn silent for a bit, Seungmin seeming a tiny bit restless the whole time. He can’t stop fiddling with his fingers or biting his lips. “Let’s go out tomorrow,” he says eventually. “I know you can’t go anywhere public, but maybe we can drive further out and go for a walk in the snow.”

Hyunjin really wants to yell into a pillow again out of happiness. “I’d like that.”

-

Seungmin picks Hyunjin up with his parents’ car, smiling confidently before admitting. “I haven’t driven in like a year so this could get bumpy.”

It does get a bit bumpy at times, but mostly because Seungmin drives in a way that would keep a bunch of unpackaged eggs on the backseat safe. Hyunjin appreciates it of course, but they still tease him about it in between, just to see him pout.

The drive goes by relatively quickly since they’re already far out of Seoul and just need to decide where exactly to stop. There’s a smaller city – too big for a village but not truly a city in Seungmin’s and Hyunjin’s eyes – where they end up, parking at a lot they used to go to with their families when they were younger.

It’s right by a small strip of untouched land by the river, trees here and there and trampled paths everywhere, where others found their ways around. This year hasn’t been too snowy, but there’s still enough on the ground to crunch deliciously under their feet as they walk further into nature.

Hyunjin is packaged warmly, looking positively like a marshmallow. They have their thick coat on and a woollen hat pulled into their forehead. A facemask is covering their mouth and nose, just to make sure they’ll stay safe. They’re not keen on attracting any attention right now.

Seungmin looks almost breezy in comparison, also wearing a fluffy coat but no hat, his face free to the coldness which turned his nose pink at the tip. Hyunjin can’t quite stop staring.

They just reach the riverside, a manmade path here and a short railing for safety of the frequented spot, when Hyunjin takes a break from talking about how their last video shoot went to take a breather and Seungmin interrupts him with a pensive expression.

“I’m going to ask you something and it’s going to be direct, because that’s just how I am, and I remember you used to appreciate that, but please tell me if I’m going too far,” he rambles and Hyunjin takes a few seconds to comprehend it all.

They both stop and turn to the river, only that their eyes never leave one another.

“O-okay…” Hyunjin replies with confusion obvious in their voice. Maybe Seungmin is going to tell them that he isn’t interested after all, that he just flirted back to not hurt their feelings, that he-

“How does a normal person date an idol?”

_Oh_.

Hyunjin blushes, glad for their mask that covers it up, but then they giggle and give themselves away. “Oh,” they repeat their own thought out loud. “I thought it was going to be something bad.” Seungmin blushes himself and comes a bit closer, their puffy arms connecting as he apologizes under his breath with a shy smile.

“It’s not as hard as it used to be. Well, not at my company anyway,” Hyunjin starts to explain. “We don’t have a dating ban, but it’s also not _encouraged_ as you can probably guess. They control it quite strictly and do their best to keep it a secret if it happens.”

“So it happens?” Seungmin asks and there’s painfully vulnerable hope starkly evident on his face.

Hyunjin swallows and nods. “Yeah, we’re still just people that fall in love… Jisung is currently dating someone and it seems to be working out well enough. When they go on dates they go with a few more people, so it seems like a friend outing, you know? But in privacy they can just be for themselves, as long as the company knows.”

Hope turns into something slightly darker and Hyunjin stays quiet as they basically see questions forming in Seungmin’s head.

“That sounds very controlling,” he says eventually. “Certainly not easy.”

Usually, Hyunjin is the panicked one, but maybe it’s the icy air that keeps their head clear. “Not easy, but the best things barely are,” they say, quoting a song from their group. “It’s just a lyric, but it’s true. If all parties are in it for the right reasons it’s doable, and it’s a good thing.”

Seungmin hums, looking down to hide his smile behind the thick fabric of his coat. “So I guess there’s contracts? Lawyers to fuck your shit up if word gets out?”

Hyunjin laughs bright and airily. “I’d word it differently, but yes. It’s all pretty controlled.” It’s really a sad topic, but it’s Seungmin they’re talking with. It’s confident gazes and pink cheeks and fluttery chests. It’s worth it.

“So would you ever do it?” Seungmin asks after a few minutes, his eyes far away on the river.

Hyunjin smiles and shuffles closer, placing their head on Seungmin’s shoulder and looking somewhere into the distance too.

“I’d do it in a heartbeat.”

-

New Year’s Eve comes in the way it always does, expected, but too quick to realize it’s there until it suddenly just breaks down your front door. For Hyunjin’s family the door gets broken down by the Kim’s coming over right after the sun sets, for what used to be a yearly tradition of family-fusion New Year’s dinner.

This year, it was unanimously decided – without asking Seungmin and Hyunjin of course – to have hot pot. It’s evening filling, conversational and simply delicious and with the help of so many hands it’s surprisingly quickly set up too.

The Christmas tree is glinting in the back when they all finally dig and the conversation turns to sounds of content eating, praises to the cooks, so basically all of them. It’s the first time in years Hyunjin hasn’t spent the 31st on some kind of show or stage and it feels _weird_ but also good.

They’re about an hour into eating, when their phone buzzes with an incoming video call from Felix, which Hyunjin accepts without even bashing an eye. Only Felix and Chan stayed at the dorms over the generous two weeks of break they were granted, and they groan in frustration when Hyunjin swaps the camera and shows them their feast.

“ _We ordered fried chicken and you show us this? That’s mean, Hyunjin,_ ” Felix says and Chan chimes right in, before getting closer to the camera and greeting Hyunjin’s family. They’ve met a few times before but are still on very polite terms and keeping conversation to well wishes for the holidays.

The Kim’s seem a little starstruck at the surprise call from the two idols, staying quite until Hyunjin explains who they are to Chan and Felix.

“ _Seungmin?_ ” Chan ponders after greeting everyone. “ _You told us about him, right Hyunjin? He’s your best friend…_?”

Hyunjin blushes and knows their bandmates catch on to _something_ when they both raise their brows at them through the screen. With a quick apology Hyunjin ends the call so they can all continue to eat, much to everyone else’s dismay.

“Next year you bring those two here too, okay? They can sleep in your room and you take the couch,” Hyunjin’s mother says a little later and despite not looking forward to getting kicked out of their room, Hyunjin hopes it can happen.

They sit for a long time and talk about everything and anything, at some point putting on the TV in the back to watch the same shows Hyunjin would usually attend. They give little bits of insight they’re allowed to tell, fun stories that happened backstage or accidents that got covered up on broadcast.

Once they’re all full, Hyunjin and Seungmin clean up everything they can, telling their parents to lean back and relax. By the time they finish all the chores it’s close to midnight already and their parents start getting ready to go outside into the garden.

Hyunjin and Seungmin stay in the living room for a bit, sitting on the fluffy rug next to the tree as Hyunjin tells Seungmin about the watch they gave their father for Christmas, and the story behind it. The scrapbook of memories they got is still placed under the tree too and together they flick through it, reminiscing over past times.

It feels weirdly… heavy. They’re going into a new year, talking to each other’s childhood friend who turned into a stranger and in the future might become something else entirely. Hyunjin knows some of the pictures make Seungmin emotional, the lights of the tree reflecting in his eyes that slowly turn wetter when he sees his younger self.

Softly, Hyunjin takes the book out of Seungmin’s hands and puts it to the side, replacing the void in his palms with their own.

“So much happened,” Seungmin says, choked up, and drops his head to Hyunjin’s shoulder, eyes pressed into the fabric of their hoodie. “We’re so different.”

“We are,” Hyunjin says and bends down to press their lips to Seungmin’s fluffy hair. It’s not really a kiss, just breathing against him, making the other feel that they’re _there_. “And that’s okay.”

Hyunjin can hear steps coming closer, can hear them stop and they know they’re being watched, but they don’t want to let go just yet, so they stay as they are.

Only when Seungmin’s mom clears her throat do they part and look back at the faces of their parents, all smiling at them from the doorway. “It’s midnight soon,” she says. “Let’s go out to watch the fireworks.”

Seoul’s fireworks are some of the most magical things Hyunjin has ever seen. Well, for the first ten minutes, until the city gets clouded in smoke and it’s only lit up in different colours, no real fireworks visible through the thick, stinking fog.

They watched it every year from as long as they can remember. In the garden of their childhood home, sometimes from the riverside. From right in front of Seungmin’s house and then later from way closer, with other trainees and staff. For a few minutes the hustle and bustle stopped, and they all watched.

This year, they watch like they used to when they were a child, from their parents’ garden. Seungmin has his phone out and counts the last ten seconds before midnight down, then they all clink glasses of soju and hug each other, wish each other well.

And then the noise starts, and colours fill up the sky all around them, in all kinds of shapes and sizes.

Hyunjin’s father hands out sparklers and they light them up at the same time, taking a timed photo with Mr. Kim’s iPhone and a video of them drawing shapes into the air. Hyunjin draws a heart and the whole time he can feel Seungmin watching them.

Once the sparklers die down and another round of soju is finished, Hyunjin’s and Seungmin’s parents go inside, bitten from the cold and ready to get back to cosy warmth. Hyunjin and Seungmin stay outside just a little longer, watching intently as clouds of smoke fill the air and distinct explosions turn to flashes of colour.

The door is still open and music streams out from the inside, something old that Hyunjin can’t remember the name of, but could sing in their sleep. Their father is probably swaying through the living room with his wife in his arms, despite his bad back.

Hyunjin smiles and looks over at Seungmin, wonders if the other is as happy as they are. Seungmin is looking right back. Hyunjin’s breath hitches and there’s something in the air, something more than stinging smoke, something deeper and heavier that settles over them.

Their body turns and so does Seungmin’s, gravitating closer until Hyunjin has to touch, reaches forwards and fists their fingers into the front of Seungmin’s sweater. The other folds his arms out too, gently tracing them up Hyunjin’s arms and over their shoulders, skipping their neck to come rest on the cold skin of their cheeks. Gently, so gently.

Hyunjin breathes in and looks into Seungmin’s familiar eyes, familiar despite the years of distance they endured. Lashes flutter and their gaze drops to Seungmin’s lips, back up and back down, like some shy game of who will move first.

The first time they kissed – the first time either of them kissed anyone – it wasn’t careful, it wasn’t questioning. It was deliberate and desperate, frantic in the way Seungmin pulled Hyunjin onto his lap, in the way their lips tried to learn what to do, simply by _doing_.

This time Hyunjin knows they’re going to kiss. Knows, Seungmin will kiss them back because he wants it too, just as much as they do.

Their eyes fall shut when a trembling breath hushes over their skin and then it’s just a matter of seconds until soft lips land on theirs.

Hyunjin feels like they’re falling apart, a surprised, startled sound making it out of their throat even though they knew what was coming. Their legs are weak, their fingers shaking uncontrollably around the fabric in their hands and their breathing comes uneven.

But Seungmin’s touch holds them together, deliberate hands on their face keeping them steady and upright, even when Seungmin deepens the kiss and cocks his head a little, finding that angle in which they’ll fit together best.

It happens like it does when things just _work_ , without really being noticed it just feels _right_. Hyunjin answers Seungmin’s movements at that point, wondering distantly how long it has been for a kiss to feel this intense, this all-encompassing.

They’re not even doing much, just small little nips and movements, re-learning the feeling of each other, of a version of them that knows more, has experienced more. And still it’s the most meaningful and emotional touch Hyunjin had in years.

Seungmin pulls back too soon, a whine ripping from Hyunjin’s throat but when they open their eyes, the pain of losing contact ceases to nothingness with the way Seungmin is looking at them with complete love on his features.

His eyes are glossy, slightly hooded and his lips are parted and pink, just like the tip of his nose. There’s a fond smile playing on them too, a happy laugh spilling out before he presses his forehead against Hyunjin’s.

“We should probably go inside, can’t have you get sick now, can we?” He says softly and Hyunjin nods as best as they can into the touch. They don’t let go of Seungmin’s sweater when they part, so the other pries their fingers open and instead take their hand in his.

When they get inside holding hands, their parents don’t seem all that surprised.

-

They don’t do anything else on New Year’s Eve. They don’t talk about it – even though the probably should. They don’t even kiss again. They only hold hands until Seungmin’s family deems it’s time to go home, leaving Hyunjin with a heavy but happy heart.

They wake up happy too, checking their phone and answering a bunch of messages from Felix and Chan, asking them about _what happened ;)_ and teasing them with comments like _best friends, I see_. It makes them weirdly giddy to know their infatuation with Seungmin is so easily noticeable.

As bad as that may seem, it puts everything into a more realistic sphere and with a sudden flush to their cheeks, Hyunjin truly realizes everything that happened. From Seungmin obviously asking them about dating, to their kiss to greet January. That _really_ happened, Hyunjin can’t quite believe it.

During breakfast, their parents tease them no less than Hyunjin’s members did, nagging them that it took way too long to get here. It’s yet another reminder that Hyunjin isn’t just imagining things and that it’s not solely a happiness for them and Seungmin, but also for their parents, who seem all but ecstatic to see them together.

They always had a good intuition when it came to Hyunjin. Maybe this is just more proof of that.

It’s when they’re all cleaning up dishes and some of the mess that was left from the night before, when Hyunjin’s parents start doing that thing of sighing obnoxiously loud, clearly wanting to talk, but not opening up until someone tells them to. That someone being Hyunjin.

“Are you two okay?” They ask after long minutes in which they let their parents suffer through not being payed attention to. A long time ago it was the other way around, when they ignored Hyunjin’s antics for attention just the same way.

“We thought of visiting auntie again today,” Hyunjin’s mother says almost nonchalantly. “And since you just saw her a few days ago, and the drive is _so_ long, we weren’t sure if you want to tag along…”

“We totally understand that, of course,” their father quickly chimes in. “You’re here to get some rest after all and not to get stressed by having to visit so many people.”

Hyunjin feels their cheeks burn. It doesn’t take much imagination to understand the intent behind the words. “Sounds like you don’t _want_ me to go with you, doesn’t it?” They say, hoping to sound just as casual as their parents.

“ _Whaaat_?” Their mother asks in a high voice.

“ _Nooo_ ,” Their father snorts, almost believable but not really.

“We’re just looking out for our kid,” Hyunjin’s mother says and their father nods exaggeratedly. “We’d probably get back here at nine or ten, so you’d have _loads_ of time to relax. Or, I don’t know, maybe invite Seungmin over or something.”

“You’re so right, honey, that would be a _great_ idea.”

Hyunjin rolls their eyes fondly. “You two are the worst.”

“No clue what you’re talking about.”

Surprisingly quickly for such a totally not planned, completely spontaneous outing, Hyunjin’s parents finish their tasks and leave to visit Hyunjin’s aunt. It feels a bit weird that they leave the house so easily to Hyunjin, that they give them so much time for _them_ , or well, for Seungmin.

Word must have gone around via the parent group chat again, because funnily enough it is Seungmin who texts Hyunjin if he can come over in a bit, not the other way around. Hyunjin of course panics, as one does, zooms around the house for three minutes before he answers with a chill ‘ _I’m free after 1_ ’.

Hyunjin mostly picked the time to mentally ready themselves for what they suppose will be the ever-dreaded Talk. The relationship one. The ‘ _I really like you, but I’m scared at the same time_ ’ one. It brings out nerves they didn’t have since they were sixteen and got together with Chan, and even that was _easier_ because they lived in the same room and there really wasn’t a way to hide from feelings.

They also use the time to get ready physically. Hyunjin knows they have no reason to impress Seungmin, but whenever they’re particularly nervous self-care is something that gets them out of their head and into the now.

Pampering their body in the shower with expensive gels and shampoos they got sponsored with, immediately soothes their nerves. The hot water makes them feel grounded, their skin blooming splotchy red marks from the slightly painful temperature, but in that way that makes them feel alive.

Hyunjin washes themselves thoroughly, putting attention on ever crevice of their body, every bump and edge of bone, the slight tummy they can see build from holiday feasting. It’s quite pretty actually. Maybe they won’t have to diet if the company thinks so too.

They wash their legs with a fluffy washcloth and scrub in the places that make them feel less loving, less full of admiration for themselves, but with more wonder of _why_. It’s mostly the insides of their thighs, their lower back and then slowly in between their legs. They don’t hate themselves here, they admire every inch, but on some days nagging thoughts are a mean companion.

Today however, Hyunjin can swallow them without much effort, their mind soon straying away from the distraction of selfcare and back to what seems most important these few sacred days at home. Seungmin.

When Hyunjin gets out of the shower, they realize just how long they took, quickly blow drying their hair with their mother’s hairdryer and lathering their body in moisturizer against the evil flaky dryness of winter skin.

Just in time, they pull on fluffy pants with reindeers on them and a simple white shirt, when the doorbell rings. Delicious steam is floating out of the bathroom and into the hallway, noticeable to Seungmin as soon as he steps in.

He pulls off his winter shoes and fluffy coat and lunges forward at Hyunjin, frozen in the hallway. Their mind and heart races with sudden excitement, will they get kissed again, will Seungmin kiss them, what will happen-

Seungmin wraps his arms around Hyunjin’s shoulders and pulls them close to his chest. He doesn’t kiss them, but he embraces them tight and breathes in deep where his face is pressed into the crook of their neck.

“You smell good,” he whispers and Hyunjin blushes, knows their fingers are trembling when they hug Seungmin back just as tightly.

They can feel their heart race, but through the thin fabric of their shirt, there’s another beat palpable too, just as frantic. Seungmin is excited as well, maybe a little scared, just like Hyunjin feels. When they pull back, their throat feels dry and looking forward, Seungmin’s cheeks are dusted pink.

“You… I… hi,” they stutter shyly and giggle when Seungmin presses his cold hands to his cheeks.

“This is… wow,” he says. “I feel so weird. Good weird, but like my heart will explode any second, you know?”

Hyunjin breathes out a sigh of relief and smiles. “Oh, I know.”

They end up on the couch, kind of awkwardly shuffled together with Seungmin’s arm around Hyunjin’s shoulders and Hyunjin holding Seungmin’s other hand across their laps. Their heart is still beating quite heavily, the excitement still there, but it’s not… it doesn’t fit as easily as before. Worry washes into the pressure on Hyunjin’s chest.

“Maybe we should…” They begin, not quite knowing where to look. “Maybe we should talk? Like, uh, about the kiss and what that means and stuff.”

Seungmin lets out a shuddering breath and nods. He’s nervous too. “We probably should, yeah,” he says, before turning quieter. “I wish this was easier.”

It stings a tiny bit, because Hyunjin feels almost guilty that it’s not. But they can’t very well do much else than, well, talk it out and wait for it to get there. Preferably soon. Still, their heart clenches at the thought of Seungmin not being willing to put that same effort in. They doubt that will be the case, but the thought doesn’t leave.

Seungmin pulls his arm back and Hyunjin feels coldness wash over their body. They shudder, but turn towards him as he turns to them, so they can look at each other and talk. Talk to make it good. That always works, right? It has to.

Looking up, Hyunjin finds that Seungmin’s bottom lip is worried between his teeth, that his eyes aren’t quite settling on Hyunjin’s, but instead flitting up and down. To Hyunjin’s lips and back up, down again and repeat.

_Oh_. That’s better. Maybe they don’t have to talk right now.

Mirroring Seungmin’s movements _is_ easy. Hyunjin’s heart beats heavily and reverberates through their whole body when they do. It’s intense and settles right in their guts, deep inside of them like there’s something hidden only Seungmin can unfurl.

Hyunjin’s fingers tremble as they pick up their hand and gently nudge Seungmin’s shoulder backwards until he moves, facing to the front again, leaning back until he’s pressed flush against the couch. Hyunjin climbs on top of him, legs spread around Seungmin’s, and settles in his lap.

For their first kiss, Seungmin pulled Hyunjin into that same position, somewhere in public where people could have very well seen, but the two didn’t care. Now, Hyunjin is the one to pursue the same position and they’re in the safety of privacy, a home they’ve both know for years. The Christmas tree is glimmering in the back, the dish washer thrumming somewhere in the distance.

Seungmin’s hands run softly over Hyunjin’s thighs, up until they’re knocking on hip bones and angles, to ultimately come to rest over Hyunjin’s waist. They might have initiated this one, but now that they’re in the same position they were in when they were fifteen, they find themselves stuck in place.

Just like so often, Seungmin takes what Hyunjin gives and rolls with it. He holds Hyunjin’s waist and shuffles around until he’s leant straighter against the couch, taller, so Hyunjin doesn’t have to crouch down too much.

He rakes one hand higher, never quite losing contact and it drives Hyunjin _mad_ , their legs trembling, arms unsure where to go. Seungmin softly, so incredibly softly, brushes a few long strands of blonde hair behind Hyunjin’s ear, using the gentle grip he has to urge them forward ever so carefully.

Hyunjin moves a bit closer with their body, wanting more, even when their bodies are so close already. Seungmin’s zipper is slightly uncomfortable under them and they wonder if maybe they’re a bit heavy for Seungmin’s slim legs, but then their lips meet, and all thoughts are blown far, far away.

Both of them know more now, just from the simple kiss the night before. Seungmin knows his bottom lip fits right between Hyunjin’s, knows to be soft and attentive when the other takes a break of kissing to breathe in, to release a tiny, high noise.

He learns more too, so much more. Hyunjin leans down on him, forcing him to arch his back and face his head upwards. Their chests are flush together and even despite that, Hyunjin chases more contact, fingers in Seungmin’s hair, on his neck, coming to rest on his shoulders where they squeeze softly.

In that position, Seungmin can easily wrap his arms around Hyunjin’s waist and make them feel even closer. It forces him to swallow a gasp, to smile into the kiss that in return grants him a wet, breathless giggle right against his mouth.

They’re all tangled in one another, tightly lodged together and it feels like there was never a time when it wasn’t like this. There couldn’t have been, right? Not when it feels like Hyunjin’s soul is thrumming with energy and love, when Seungmin feels his own emotions spill over without words.

Seungmin has half a mind to pull back when Hyunjin shyly parts their lips to initiate something deeper.

“Can I touch you?” He asks and that’s about all the time Hyunjin grants him before their lips reconnect and they nod messily into the kiss. Seungmin smiles, just shortly, swallowing Hyunjin’s whine of complaint for not being kissed _properly_ , as his fingers pluck up the hem of their shirt.

This time, he opens his mouth against Hyunjin’s, and their tongues meet shyly just as Seungmin’s fingers make gentle contact with the burning skin of Hyunjin’s back. They gasp into the kiss – as if they didn’t expect it despite Seungmin’s question – and accidentally so deepen the kiss.

Shy, short nips turn to languid movements and Hyunjin knows they’re a bit messy, their tongue wet, but they dearly hope Seungmin doesn’t mind. He doesn’t seem to at all, with the way his fingers rake over the expanse of their back, tracing the stark knobs of their spine and ribs, pressing down on the softness towards their sides.

Hyunjin can’t help but arch into it, pressing himself even tighter against Seungmin, forcing him to look up even more because of the height advantage Hyunjin has in the position. Their chests are flat together and now their middles are perfectly aligned too.

It’s embarrassing maybe, that Hyunjin is already completely hard and straining against the fluffy fabric of their pants. Seungmin must know, must feel it press against his stomach. If he does, he doesn’t show it at least, keeps up control where Hyunjin feels like they’re slowly floating away.

With a hand travelling higher, Seungmin holds Hyunjin steady by the back of their head and tightens his hold around the other, before flipping them around so quickly, Hyunjin doesn’t even realize what’s happening until their back connects with the couch.

Their legs are still spread around Seungmin’s hips and he easily settles down between them, pressing his whole weight on top of Hyunjin and it makes them keen from the sudden pressure. Seungmin smiles down at them before bending forward and Hyunjin expects to be kissed once more, gets ready for a kiss, but instead Seungmin bends further until his face is pressed into the crook of Hyunjin’s neck.

He breathes in deeply and when it comes back out it’s with a deep, happy sigh. “You’re so pretty, Jinnie,” he says. “I could eat you up.”

It makes Hyunjin giggle and they arch their head back, giving Seungmin more access. “Try it, I think I’m very delicious.” Their voice turns into a squeak in the end when Seungmin plays into it, biting down on their neck playfully.

It’s not really a hickey, but something in Hyunjin blooms when they think about it. They never really got to do that, not with being in a company and constantly on stage. But they have enough time left here for bruises to fade, right?

“Y-you can mark me up if you want,” they say, their voice thick, making each syllable come out slurred. “It’ll be enough time for them fade before I go back.”

Seungmin pushes himself up to be able to look at Hyunjin. There’s complete unhidden want in his eyes and it makes Hyunjin’s skin erupt in goosebumps. Seungmin licks his lips and pushes another long strand of hair out of their face before coming closer.

“You want that? See your skin red and purple all over?” He asks and _god_ , Hyunjin is lost for this man. They nod, a high whine escaping their throat. “Let’s get you out of your shirt first.”

Sitting back, Seungmin helps Hyunjin out of it and as an afterthought pulls his own off too. He throws both pieces of clothing to the side, not caring that they land halfway on the coffee table. Hyunjin is staring at him in the same way as that day they accidentally spilled hot chocolate over his shirt. Drinking him in.

It’s an ego boost unlike anything else and Seungmin can’t help but teasingly graze a hand over his own skin to watch the way Hyunjin’s breath hitches.

“D-do you like people touching you there?” They ask, eyes lust blown and glossy, so big as they look up at him.

Seungmin shakes his head. “It’s a bit numb up here,” he says and lightly prods at his skin. “I haven’t gotten sensation back, but that’s okay. You can touch me anywhere else, yeah?”

Hyunjin nods and softly reaches a hand out to pull Seungmin in by the belt hoops of his jeans, until he’s putting his whole weight back on them. “Didn’t you say something about eating me?” They ask into the side of his head, grazing their nails over Seungmin’s back, careful to not press too hard over the acne scars on his shoulders.

Chuckling, Seungmin bends down again. “At your service, majesty,” he says jokingly, before parting his lips over Hyunjin’s collar bone, running his tongue along it delicately before sucking a stinging mark into the skin.

Hyunjin’s breath hitches and their hips rut upwards, one of Seungmin’s hands coming down to hold them up, oh so tight against him. One trembling hand stays on Seungmin’s back as Hyunjin’s other travels higher, coming to thread through his soft hair and guiding him along the length of their neck, leaving wet kisses and red marks in his wake.

God, Hyunjin feels breathless with it. Their skin so tight, so incredibly sensitive yet at the same time nearly going numb from Seungmin’s touches. It feels way too good for what it is, way too intense and making them ache as they stay hard for the whole duration Seungmin takes to litter them in marks of love.

He’s just shuffling down a bit on the couch, some pressure lost on Hyunjin’s middle and making them sigh out breathless noises. Seungmin’s lips feel sticky in the best way when they land on Hyunjin’s torso, the very tip of his tongue tracing around their nipples in sickeningly sweet pressure.

He seems lost in it too, in showering Hyunjin with touches and affection. Maybe that’s what makes Hyunjin brave enough to speak up.

“Did you…” they begin, keeping Seungmin down by the gentle grip in his hair when he makes to sit up. “Did anyone ever touch you? Like… really touch you, you know?”

Seungmin presses a chaste kiss right on Hyunjin’s left nipple before resting his head on their chest and looking up at their face. “When I first got on testosterone my libido went a tiny bit crazy. I met up with a lot of guys I found online and some stuff happened from my side, you know? But that was preop and all, so I didn’t feel too comfortable for anyone to do something for me.”

Hyunjin hums in acknowledgment, tracing their fingers softly through Seungmin’s hair.

“They were all cis guys and to be honest it was… yeah it was a little uncomfortable,” he continues after a bit. “But once I got over that first spike of horniness, I tried to find better people. So yeah, I have had my fair share of experiences. How about you?”

Blushing, Hyunjin breaks eye contact for a second, to sort their thoughts. “Well, for some people that lead a high stress life, sex can be a great distraction… Channie is a bit horny, so yeah, we messed around a lot until sometime last year…”

Seungmin doesn’t seem offended that Hyunjin tells him about someone else, even in their current position on the couch. “Didn’t you say you two broke up before you debuted?” He asks instead, with a cheeky grin.

Hyunjin swats his shoulder gently and pushes him away by the hair. “Maybe I’m a bit horny too, okay? Let me be,” they say, poking their tongue out and as soon as Seungmin manages to escape their hold on him he surges forward to bring their lips back together.

“I am,” he says in between wet, languid strokes of his tongue. “I’ll let you be as horny as you want with me.”

“M-maybe we should take this to my bedroom,” Hyunjin says after lightly swatting Seungmin one more time.

The other smirks at them evilly, sitting up on his knees. “You’re so naughty, want to do such things in your childhood bedroom? I would have never guessed such a thing from a renown idol like you.” He fake gasps and splays a hand over his chest and Hyunjin playfully pushes him off of the couch.

“You’re the worst,” they say as they stand up, collecting the shirts from the coffee table.

Seungmin looks almost proud at it. “I sure am,” he says and winks as he passes Hyunjin, already on his way to their bedroom, like it’s the most natural thing. It could become a thing, just for a few days in which he walks shirtless to Hyunjin’s bedroom to do unsayable things.

Hyunjin giggles at the thought, skips after the other giddily to pass him in the hallway, grabbing his hand as they go, to pull him forward quicker. They’re excited and eager, want more and more of Seungmin’s touches and kisses, the things that feel so good.

After a surprised moment Seungmin laughs with them and runs along, just as quickly until they end up breathless and with hands all over each other, pressed against the wall of Hyunjin’s bedroom and panting into each other’s mouths, wet and messy and desperate.

Seungmin might be more desperate than Hyunjin could’ve ever hoped for, trembling hands grabbing at their hips, fingers dipping under the stretchy hem of their pants.

“Can I?” Seungmin asks, barely pulling back from Hyunjin’s lips.

Hyunjin answers with actions instead of words, pulling their pants down to their thighs along with their underwear, until gravity does its thing and pulls the fabric down completely. Hyunjin grabs Seungmin’s wrists and pulls them down, to grab their lower back and urge them even further down.

Seungmin can. Seungmin _should_. And thankfully, Seungmin does.

He grabs Hyunjin’s ass rougher than he ever touched them before, pulling them away from the wall only to push them back, a constant give and take as he rushes lower, loving the way he can feel Hyunjin’s muscles work in their thighs, their back arch against his palm.

The other is panting, clambering on to Seungmin’s shoulders desperately, their lips on his shoulders. “C-can I too?” They breath out, hands running lower but not too imposing in case Seungmin doesn’t want this.

He moans shyly. “Touch me, Jinnie, touch me please.”

Hyunjin whines highly in their throat and opens the front of Seungmin’s jeans with some difficulty, not even pushing them down completely, but only far enough to be able to reach inside. Their fingers are cold, blood rushing everywhere else but there, and maybe that’s what makes Seungmin feel _scorching_.

He’s swollen and wet when their trembling fingers make contact with him, slowly exploring, feeling their way around. Seungmin curses under his breath, pulling one hand forward to wrap around Hyunjin’s cock.

“Kiss me,” Hyunjin whines desperately. “ _Kiss me._ Kissme _kissmekissme_.” All desperate and needy, without any shame.

So Seungmin does, deep and filthy until Hyunjin’s legs are shaking and they can barely keep themselves up. Grabbing Seungmin’s hand and pushing it further between their legs, Hyunjin drops their head against the wall when the other applies delicious pressure over their perineum, slowly inching further. Their own fingers crook against Seungmin and he moans with a broken voice.

“ _Fuck_ , Jinnie,” he groans against their chest. “H-how do you like it? Tell me, what makes you feel good?”

Hyunjin gasps and presses down harder on Seungmin, loving to feel him thrash against them. “L-like to feel full,” they admit with a whimper. “Want you to fuck me until I can only feel and think of you.”

Standing up, Seungmin presses a kiss to Hyunjin’s cheek with a smile. “I can’t do that here, silly. Don’t have anything with me and I doubt you have a strap on.”

The words sober Hyunjin up a little and make them blush. “I- oh gosh, I didn’t think of that,” they admit. “Do you like that though? Penetrating someone?”

“I do, I like it a lot,” Seungmin says with a raise of brows that makes Hyunjin’s heart flutter. “And don’t worry, I’ll make you feel full now. I’ll have to use my fingers, but you’ll feel good, I promise. You have lube, right?”

The smile he sends Hyunjin after would make them fall over if the wall wasn’t there to steady them. “Bathroom… It’s in my bag there-“ They don’t even have to finish their sentence before Seungmin is out of the door and sprinting to the bathroom.

Instead of following him, Hyunjin does what they do best, shrieking in a happy panic before flopping down on their bed. They know how to look good for people to look at them, but it’s so much more fun now that it’s for Seungmin.

Their hair fans out prettily on the pillow, one hand over their chest and the other on one of their thighs, legs splayed open to greet Seungmin with what he desires dearly. Well Hyunjin is sure he does, given how eager he ran to get the lube.

With freshly washed hands and said bottle in tow, Seungmin nearly falls over himself when he comes in and takes in the sight. He curses again, he really does that a _lot_ , but Hyunjin quite likes it. Enjoys they can stop him from coherent thought and reduce him to vulgar curses.

“You’re so pretty,” Seungmin breathes as he pushes his pants down all the way to match Hyunjin in nudity. Then he lets himself fall forward, right between their spread legs, the lube falling to the side.

Giggling, Hyunjin brings a hand over their face to hide their blush. Seungmin easily snatches their wrist and pulls it away, presses a dozen tiny kisses to Hyunjin’s burning cheeks, making them only squeal more, soft fingers trying to push Seungmin away.

After a few seconds, he suddenly goes easily, moves down with kisses and nips peppered all over Hyunjin’s torso, right down their tummy and even on the tip of their cock. “You’re stunning,” Seungmin says, more compliments to make Hyunjin melt from the attention.

They stammer a shy response as Seungmin grabs the lube, stopping somewhere in the midst of a sentence when he sits back on his knees and pours some of the liquid on his fingers, a concentrated crease between his brows, tongue sticking out just so between his lips.

“You’re so hot,” Hyunjin whispers, immediately regretting the words as they tumble out, because Seungmin should probably be classified as cute with the careful expression he’s wearing as he warms the lube up between his fingers. But Hyunjin’s brain seems to have moved to right between his legs.

Seungmin grins and bends down to press a kiss to Hyunjin’s hip bone, his dry hand gently stroking down until he can hook it under the other’s knee and pull it up somewhat, spreading them open even more.

Hyunjin keens when the fingers of his other hand softly rub over their rim, spreading the lube around and getting them used to his touch.

“You’re wonderful, Hyunjin, gorgeous and pretty and intelligent,” Seungmin says then, in response to Hyunjin’s earlier compliment. “You mean so much to me.”

He applies delicious pressure right over Hyunjin with the flat of his thumb, making them throw their head back against the pillows, a soft gasp leaving their mouth. “I-I hope you know that I f-feel the same for you, because you won’t get many coherent thoughts from me when you…”

They let their voice drift off them, mind too preoccupied with the sensations arising when they gently swivel their hips against Seungmin’s finger in tiny circles. Bending upwards, Seungmin bites another mark against their neck before going higher to whisper right against Hyunjin’s ear.

“When I what, Jinnie?” He asks cruelly, making them shudder. The very tip of his index finger breaches Hyunjin. “When I do this?” He pushes in further, slow and deliberately careful, to truly make Hyunjin lose their mind.

They nod quickly, mouth wide and pleading for Seungmin to hurry up, but he doesn’t. Instead goes even slower, feeling every twitch of muscle, every contraction of Hyunjin’s body through his one finger.

Seungmin is maybe halfway in, smile hidden in Hyunjin’s pillow when the other’s lashes flutter open to reveal big, glistening eyes. “You’re mean,” they say quietly, making Seungmin grin even wider. “I want to feel you and you’re torturing me.”

A pout is playing on their lips and Seungmin quickly bends over to kiss it away. “I’m just being careful with you, Jinnie,” he says cruelly against their lips. “Wouldn’t want to overwhelm you.”

Huffing, Hyunjin turns their head so Seungmin loses any access to their lips. “I want that though. Want to feel it and not be able to think of anything else,” they say with a tut, somehow managing to evade any of Seungmin’s attempts to kiss them. “Want you, Seungmin.”

“But I’m right here,” he replies, pushing himself up a bit. His finger has long stilled in Hyunjin, just to tease them a little more. “What are you asking for, when I’m already giving you all I have?”

With a groan, Hyunjin seemingly having had enough, they reach a hand out and push it between Seungmin’s legs, back against swollen wetness and making him buckle in surprise. His finger moves minutely in Hyunjin, but not enough to make it worthwhile.

“We both know you’re lying,” Hyunjin says with an evil grin. “You can make me feel good, that’s what you told me. So show me- _ah_!”

Their complaint gets cut off when Seungmin pulls his finger out completely giving Hyunjin a second of whiplash, before plunging back in, this time fully in one movement. They moan highly in their throat, fingers spasming against Seungmin and in turn making him gasp, a beautiful duet.

Using his unoccupied hand, Seungmin runs it over Hyunjin’s to press them harder against his middle, showing them how he likes it. In filthy, grinding movements he makes a mess of their fingers and palm, but they answer with more pressure, crooked fingers at just the right spots.

Seungmin falls forward and against Hyunjin’s chest, his hand bent at an awkward angle, but it works well enough when he begins to move it, thrusting his finger out in the same rhythm he’s grinding back against Hyunjin.

Their lips come together messy and wet, uncoordinated with moans and cursed exclamations of pleasure interrupting them and it’s delicious and filthy.

Before soon, Seungmin eases a second sticky finger into Hyunjin, the stretch accepted eagerly with a hissed _yes yes yes_. They’re so tight around his fingers, plush and warm and Seungmin almost desperately fucks himself into Hyunjin’s hand to keep up with the pleasure clouding his mind.

Kissing like this is incredible, chests pressed together and bodies intertwined beautifully, but before soon, Seungmin can feel his wrist start ache from the angle, notices Hyunjin growing more and more breathless, fingers stilling halfway inside Seungmin as they allow themselves to drown in pure arousal.

So, Seungmin does what he does best, makes a decision for Hyunjin’s pleasure, knowing exactly what will make them feel good. He carefully pulls his fingers out of the other before grabbing their wrist and pushing it out from between his legs.

Hyunjin flutters their eyes open confusedly, watching as Seungmin pushes their legs down flat against the mattress and climbs out from between their spread thighs, instead straddling their right one. He’s sat up straight, adding more lube to his fingers before bringing them back to where Hyunjin wants them most.

He fills them up deliciously, more this time, so he must’ve added another digit. Hyunjin’s arms are laying uselessly at their sides, one hand sticky from Seungmin and it gives them a thought, right as the other grinds down against their thigh. _Oh_ , Hyunjin thinks, wondering if even more of a blush is visible on their already pink cheeks. _He’s riding my thigh_.

Trying to do their best to be of some kind of service and not let Seungmin do all the work, they press their leg up against him, making him moan in surprise and push back even harder, his fingers stilling momentarily as he gets used to the feeling.

Hyunjin forces their eyes to stay open, wanting to see Seungmin fall apart, expressions so prettily lost in pleasure. They bring their sticky fingers to their mouth as they slowly fall into a rhythm that works between them, pushing two long digits into their mouth to suck off whatever remnants of Seungmin are left there.

They groan deeply at the taste, hips thrusting up into empty air and it prompts Seungmin to open his eyes, to watch as Hyunjin sucks on their fingers to get more of him. With yet another curse he ups the pace of his hand, truly fucking his fingers into Hyunjin’s willing body.

He pushes himself up momentarily to get his free hands on himself, running it over his swollen clit and digging into himself just so. His fingers are glistening when he pulls his hand out and settles back in a deep rhythm of grinding against Hyunjin’s thigh.

Carefully, he reaches out to press his fingers against Hyunjin’s lips that are closed tightly around their own. They blink their eyes open and moan when they realize what’s happening, pulling their own fingers out to quickly replace them with Seungmin deliciously wet ones.

He pushes them in as far as Hyunjin lets him easily, just gently moving them but in the same rhythm as his other hand is thrusting into them, as he’s riding their thigh. It’s almost like a dance, a gentle and yet intense back and forth.

“I never came like this,” he breathes soon after, feeling his thighs tremble from the exertion of his movements. “I think I’ll come soon.”

Hyunjin moans around his fingers and wraps their own sticky hand around their cock, just gently pulling back the foreskin to get themselves off in time with Seungmin’s fingers going even deeper, their body wearing tight and lose at the same time, nearly there.

It only takes a few of those movements, a tiny change of angle from Seungmin to graze over Hyunjin’s prostate and they nearly bite down around his fingers, feeling their stomach pull tight and seeing whites appear behind their eyelids as they’re pushed over the edge.

Seungmin stops his movements, fingers pressing deep, both in Hyunjin’s mouth and as deep as he can get the three fingers in down below. He presses himself down as hard as he can against Hyunjin’s thigh too, whining brokenly when they arch their leg against him when their orgasm truly hits, a mess of white spurting over their stomach.

Seungmin follows right after, feeling himself contract and quiver, voice breaking and warping and doing all the weird things he used to despise but now loves. He rides it out, in tiny movements until he’s aching and nearly falls over, quickly pulling his fingers out of Hyunjin to not overstimulate them too much.

They whine softly at the sudden emptiness, legs suddenly boneless and falling flat against the mattress, one hand barely holding their spent cock and the other over their eyes. Seungmin falls to the mattress next to them, equally boneless and panting. One arm comes to rest over Hyunjin’s middle, right in the sticky mess on their stomach but he couldn’t care less.

Coming down slowly, they both just lay there in silence for a while, nothing but beating hearts and rising chests, sticky skin and bodies coming back to themselves, away from the mess they melted into together.

It takes a long time for Hyunjin to drop their hand to the side, revealing their pink, glistening face to Seungmin shyly. He bends over and presses a kiss to their lips which they reply to in languid, sticky motions of tongue and lips.

When breathing becomes hard again, they pull apart but stay close together, eyes on the other and taking in everything they can.

“I think I have a crush on you,” Hyunjin whispers, breath cooling on Seungmin’s sticky skin, a bead of sweat rolling down their temple. Seungmin bends forward and presses a kiss to their collar bone, smiles against their neck.

“I would’ve never guessed,” he teases, fingers grazing over Hyunjin’s softening cock and making them whine highly in their throat. “I think I have a crush on you too. Quite an aggressive one that I don’t think will go away anytime soon.”

“That’s good.” Hyunjin says and their face hurts from smiling so much. “I hope it doesn’t.”

-

For how quickly Hyunjin’s parents wanted to leave them alone the other day, they stick to their side almost painfully so afterwards. It’s understandable of course, that they want to spend as much time as they can with their child, but it’s still a tiny bit maddening.

Hyunjin wants Seungmin. It sounds a tiny bit primal, a lot urgent, but they can’t fathom another thought. They want all of Seungmin they can get before going back to their daily life. Want to fill up on him so they’ll be fine for longer, even when times get stressful again. Hyunjin wants.

The day after their – well, say it as it is – horny confession, Hyunjin and Seungmin only manage to see each other for a few hours in the evening and they decide to take that time to really talk, not over sticky skin and residual need, but like the two adults they are.

It’s not as hard a talk as Hyunjin expected, not as emotional and frightening to look at a future together that will include secrecy and trust more than anything. But Seungmin is as willing as they are to make it _work_ , and not even five minutes after he leaves that night Hyunjin drafts a message to their manager.

They send it the next morning after going over it with Chan, who easily gives them a thumbs up about the polite message.

“ _We want to meet him soon_ ,” he says before ending the call. “ _Have to check if he’s good enough for our Hyunjin._ ”

The latter rolls their eyes despite no one being able to see, but their chest feels tight with emotion that Chan and the other members will always have their back, always be there for him. They weren’t a chosen family, but they grew into one nonetheless. For the first time in a while, Hyunjin thinks they know what honest gratitude feels like.

It sparks an idea in their head, forming words and melodies before they consciously grasp on to it. They’ll write a song. Maybe only for their members, but maybe for everyone else too. For the fans, the company, Hyunjin’s family. For Seungmin. Even though that last one has to be kept a secret.

Or he could write one for Seungmin anyway, get Chan in on it and make a quick easy track. They could do that… they could very well do that.

Words come down on paper all on their own and they even record a few melodies one their phone that get stuck in their head. Hopefully Chan will want to help him, maybe the others too, and then the next time they’ll see Seungmin, they can give him the file. Just for him. Not released otherwise. Yes, that’s good.

Seungmin and his family come over for some afternoon tea – more like afternoon eat-all-the-cookies-left-from-Christmas – and they tell their parents about their relationship.

“We’re not really _together_ yet, because we want to check with the company first, but yeah…” Hyunjin explains, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.

“Basically, we’re together,” Seungmin adds and grabs their hand under the table, clearly just as nervous as the other.

Hyunjin’s parents look between them, then Seungmin’s do the same and then they exchange knowing gazes between another.

“Don’t be mad at our lack of surprise,” Hyunjin’s father says with a happy smile. “It just doesn’t really come as one… We knew you two always loved each other and it was just a matter of time for you to be _in_ love with each other.”

“We thought maybe we were wrong about that when Hyunjin became a trainee but now seeing that it only took a week of you two being back together, and already being this _close_ … It’s just meant to be.” Seungmin’s mother’s eyes might be a tiny bit wet and she distracts from that by taking a sip of her tea.

Hyunjin feels their heart hammer in their chest. They know it too, but hearing it from their own parents, from Seungmin’s too, and having their unconditional support… yes, this trip was really more needed than Hyunjin could’ve ever dreamt of before coming back.

Leaning over, Seungmin presses a kiss to Hyunjin’s cheek (ignoring that his mom snaps a picture of it) and steals a cookie from their plate. “I have something for you,” he says lowly, nearly quiet enough for only Hyunjin to hear. “Can we go over to my house for a bit?”

It’s not even Hyunjin that answers, even though the answer would’ve been a definite yes, but their mother. “What a great idea, you two go over and leave us adults alone for a bit.”

“ _Mooom_ , we’ve been adults for a while too,” Hyunjin says cutely before standing up, bidding them all goodbye and putting on their dad’s slipper and their coat, leaving it open for the short walk over. They really want to take Seungmin’s hand, but even though it’s not far to his house, they’re still out in the open, possible pictures easily taken.

It’s barely a minute of a walk, but once inside Seungmin’s house and out of their coats, Hyunjin throws themselves at the other, making him stumble back for a second before he wraps his arms around them as well and twirls Hyunjin around in a circle.

“I missed you too,” he giggles in response to Hyunjin’s surprise attack, easily grabbing them underneath the thighs and walking over into the living room, where he carefully releases Hyunjin, who’s clambering to him like a koala bear.

When they finally pull away – albeit with a pout – Seungmin steps on the switch to light up the Christmas tree before inconspicuously grabbing the small box from under the tree that he placed there earlier that day, when the package finally arrived.

“I have something for you,” he repeats what he said at Hyunjin’s house a few minutes earlier, and when Hyunjin turns to him Seungmin takes the box out from behind his back.

Hyunjin’s eyes widen and their mouth opens and closes a few times as they’re ringing for words. “I-I thought you were… implying something different when you said that earlier,” they admit with a blush. “I don’t have anything prepared for you yet.”

Shaking his head, Seungmin grabs Hyunjin’s wrist and presses the small box into their palm. “I don’t expect anything back, this is _my_ present for _you_. Without any ulterior motives, okay?”

Smiling shyly, Hyunjin nods, grazing a finger over the soft, dark blue velvet of the box. “Thank you,” they whisper and look up, left nearly breathless by the sight of Seungmin doused in the soft glimmering glow of the Christmas lights.

“You haven’t even opened it yet,” he says, clearly flustered by the way he puffs his cheeks out (it’s a Seungmin thing, it’s always been one).

“I can still thank you for the gesture first,” Hyunjin replies cheekily before finally snapping the box open.

Inside, there’s satin lining that’s just as dark as the velvet on the outside of the box and in the midst of it, a silver necklace is safely nestled. The chain is delicate and catching the light in the prettiest reflections and right in the centre, a tiny starshaped pendant is hanging, alongside a small, beautiful aquamarine, Hyunjin’s birthstone.

They softly touch the small charm before taking the necklace out of the box. Seungmin immediately comes closer to help put the necklace on Hyunjin, the act strangely intimate despite how close the two have been already.

Hyunjin’s face is tingling with a blush, their eyes awed and watching Seungmin’s face intently, blown away that they are allowed to call him theirs.

“Thank you,” they whisper, their voice not able to fathom much more in the moment. Hyunjin’s heart feels so full, their whole chest aching with the power of their love.

Seungmin smiles sheepishly and gives them a gentle, chaste kiss. When he leans back, he pulls a necklace out from underneath his jumper too, similar to Hyunjin’s. Instead of a star however, he has a simple, rectangular tag and next to it a little sapphire is placed, darker than Hyunjin’s aquamarine but in the same colour family. It’s a pretty coincidence they think.

“I know you won’t be able to wear the necklace all the time, but I thought that it could still be a nice symbol… that we’re connected through these, you know?” Seungmin rambles. “Yours has an S and mine has an H engraved, and if that’s too cheesy we can just swap around but-“

Hyunjin silences him with a kiss.

“It’s perfect,” they whisper once they pull back. “I love it.”

Seungmin visibly relaxes and smiles more surely of himself, proud even. “I’m happy. You make me happy,” he says with a thick voice, clearly as emotional as Hyunjin.

They chuckle from happiness, pressing their forehead to Seungmin’s shoulder. “I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time.”

It’s the truth. Hyunjin feels alive and thankful for it, for everything they were lucky enough to get in their life. It’s been a while but it’s a good feeling to come back to, like coming home after a long, exhausting time.

-

The night before Hyunjin’s vacation ends they ask their parents if Seungmin can sleep over. Their mom looks at him with furrowed brows and a confused face and their father completely deadpans.

“Why do you ask, you’re not fourteen anymore,” he says, before adding on second thought, “but don’t stay up too long or you’ll look puffy tomorrow when you go back and that can’t be good.”

“I don’t have any schedule tomorrow though, so it wouldn’t matter,” Hyunjin mumbles under their breath but at the warning look of their father they quickly perk up and smile. “I didn’t say anything, we’ll go sleep early, I promise.”

Now, it’s a good thing that _early_ can be up for interpretation. For Hyunjin’s parent’s anything before eleven would probably be considered early, so in their eyes Hyunjin and Seungmin might have failed. If Hyunjin looks at Chan however, who’s early could be anywhere between two and five in the morning, they’re doing amazing.

Also, it’s not _really_ their fault that sometime close to midnight Seungmin slid under the blanket and took them into his mouth, gently coaxing them to full hardness and pure desperation. They have to bite a pillow to keep quiet and even then Seungmin has to pull off every now and then to remind them to keep quiet.

His mouth is wonderful, taking Hyunjin deep easily, like he’s used to it. The thought should probably make Hyunjin jealous, but instead it makes them twitch and leak against Seungmin’s tongue, their hips jumping up in tiny motions.

They can basically feel the satisfaction on Seungmin’s face, in the soft vibrations around them when he moans. Thank god Hyunjin’s parents sleep at the other end of the house.

Seungmin’s tongue makes them approach their high embarrassingly quickly and they nearly tear their pillowcase from biting down on it when they come, right on Seungmin’s tongue. He pulls back just in time, the covers flipped back over his head, to capture it all in his mouth, keep it there and show Hyunjin the mess.

They mewl highly in their throat and pull him up by the chin, kissing him deep and languid and swapping their own cum around like it’s a delicious treat. It makes them blush in something akin to shame, but the good kind of it and their cocks stirs in interest almost immediately.

“Are you on birth control?” Hyunjin whispers as they flip Seungmin onto his back and climb between his legs. He shakes his head and Hyunjin kisses him again before sitting up more. “Then I won’t eat you out right now, but I still want to make you come, is that okay?”

Seungmin’s heart skips a beat at the thought of Hyunjin eating him out, but that will have to wait for another day, when they didn’t just kiss with their release all over their tongues. Slightly shaky, he opens his legs for Hyunjin to be able to see his all, it’s vulnerable and revealing, stings down his spine deliciously.

He’s hard too, his clit swollen and a beautiful dark red, Hyunjin flicks their thumb over it and Seungmin buckles up, obviously strung tight. Seungmin is so, so wet.

It’s enough for Hyunjin to run their fingers over him a few times to notice just that, two sinking into Seungmin easily, his body swallowing them right up. Hyunjin’s mouth waters and they curse their past horny self for pulling Seungmin into that kiss.

“I…” Seungmin begins, voice broken and raspy. “I brought condoms with me… if you want to. If that’s something you’re into.” He sounds almost unsure, but the obvious arousal in his voice drowns it out, especially when Hyunjin curls their fingers upwards and rubs them over his most sensitive spots.

It’s been a long time, Hyunjin has to admit, but their cock jumps in interest and Seungmin looks so lost in wanting, so beautifully ruined and messy, how could they possibly pass up the chance?

With Seungmin’s guidance they get the small packet out of his bag, trembling fingers slipping on the plastic and struggling to rip into it. In the end Seungmin has to sit up and do it for them, helps them roll the condom on with soft, trembling touches.

They kiss as Seungmin lowers himself down on his back, takes one of Hyunjin’s pillows to prop it under his hips. Hyunjin is basically panting from need, from arousal, from nervousness too. But Seungmin is there to guide them through it all, spreading his pretty legs and wrapping a hand around Hyunjin’s cock, urging them forward until they’re nudging through his wetness, sliding over his clit and making his eyes roll back.

When they finally push inside, Seungmin allows himself to let go, to let Hyunjin do the rest. His fingers come to grasp their shoulders, pulling them down until there’s barely any space left between them. _Fuck_ , Hyunjin fills him out good.

It’s a slow, steady push in, spreading him further and deeper than he thought he could enjoy but _god_ does he enjoy it. Seungmin is pretty sure Hyunjin is crying, something wet dripping over his shoulder where they’re biting into the skin to keep quiet.

Their necklace, the necklace Seungmin gave them, is probably tangling right up with his between them, but Seungmin couldn’t care less when Hyunjin finally pushes in fully, pressed up right against him, filling him up so good.

Hyunjin fucks him slowly and carefully, spurred into motion by Seungmin’s heels pressing them forward. It’s not the long, sensual loving that would be described in romance novels, it flows softly, stutters when Hyunjin gets overwhelmed, when Seungmin comes and has to stuff his fist into his mouth to not cry out.

When Hyunjin comes into the condom they choke on a sob, hips stuttering to a halt.

“I love you, Seungmin,” they hiccup, happy tears soaking into the pillow beneath them. “I love you so much.”

With all the power he has left, Seungmin pushes Hyunjin up enough to be able to look at their face, their red cheeks and nose, swollen lips and glistening eyes.

“I love you too,” he says pressing a kiss against Hyunjin’s wet lips, not caring about the salty taste. “I’ve never loved anyone more.”

-

Right before Hyunjin’s shuttle comes, their parents hand them a golden envelope. Inside, there’s a Christmas card that they ask Hyunjin to read when they’re back at the dorms and about twenty freshly printed pictures.

There’s a few from them as a child, ones that haven’t made it into the scrapbook they got for Christmas, but there’s also new ones that they’ve never seen before. Some from Christmas Eve, that Hyunjin’s father took of them and their mother, ones in ugly sweaters in front of the tree.

There are some from New Year’s Eve too, the ones they all took with the self-timer, so that both Hyunjin’s and Seungmin’s family is fully seen.

And then there are pictures Hyunjin didn’t even know existed. One from New Year’s too, clearly taken through a window. Seungmin’s forehead is resting against Hyunjin’s and they’re both smiling, right after their second first kiss.

Another one is from a few days after that, the day Seungmin gave Hyunjin the necklace, when he asked if they want to come over. He’s leaning over to them and even in the blurry pictures the admiration with which he’s looking at Hyunjin is clearly visible.

“We have doubles for you too, Seungmin,” Hyunjin’s mother says, right as they hear a car drive up.

Seungmin takes it upon himself to carry Hyunjin’s luggage to the car, leaving them space to say goodbye to their parents.

“I’ll visit more often,” they promise, feeling tears well up in their eyes. “I’ll call more. I’ll just do more, I promise.”

They both hug them, like they did when Hyunjin arrived. “Just don’t overwork yourself and take good care, okay? We’ll be happy as long as you are.”

Swallowing down heavy tears, Hyunjin nods before pulling away and grabbing their coat. They dress themselves in slow-motion as their parents keep telling them to _take things easy_ , to _trust in themselves_. Hyunjin will try to.

With a last hug for each of them, Hyunjin turns around to see Seungmin lean against the doorframe, the same picture he gave off the day that Hyunjin arrived, when they saw Seungmin in the entry to his parents’ house.

They make sure to hide behind the door to kiss and it hurts to pull away, to leave the comfort of each other, but it’s not too bad. It’s durable. Because this time they’re both ready, and there’s a future in sight where they’re together.

“See you next week,” Seungmin says with a wave when Hyunjin walks to the car. Because that’s when they made plans to meet with the company and set up a non-disclosure agreement.

It’s going to be hard and it’s going to take effort, but it will be worth it. Both Seungmin and Hyunjin know very well that it will be.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading and please leave comments and kudos, especially comments make my day!!


End file.
